Thank you

... for your appearance in my life
... for letting me know that I'm still alive
... for giving me endless thoughts about someone
... for teaching me what it is to trust again
... for taking me to this world again
... for all the nice memories we had together
... for the stories you shared with me each day
... for all you've done for me
... for the faster beats of my heart each time I see you
... for the fragrant I wouldn't forget
... for all the ups and downs in my heart that you never know
... for all the laughter you gave me
... for your kindness which I found so strange
... for your promises and I know you would keep them all
... for giving me vivid dreams about an unknown future of us two
... for sharing with me some of the happiest days of my life so far
... and for giving me courage to give you up

I was really happy those days, you know.

Life is funny, sometimes

It feels kinda strange after a while not particularly liking anybody - oh, well, any guys, actually. The last time I found myself in a relationship was more than 3 years ago. It's not so long but because of all the pain it left me, I've almost forgot what it feels like when you're interested in someone enough to let him get through your shield. Because of that, my heart has become a locked closet which can hardly be opened again. Because of that, I've always supposed that nobody - ok, no guys - would care about me again. And because of all that, now I find it really strange and a little confusing when I've got a feeling that somebody is being interested in me in a special way.

That would be no problem if he has seen more of myself than just a cheerful, witty girl who can make anybody laugh out loud if she feels like it. I know it's nothing bad for a good first impression to expand my network or to help my business go smoothly, and I'm not meaning I purposely use it to take any advantages also. But you know, for a more personal relationship, I'm afraid that such presumption can lead to something, er, worse than any of us can expect once we get to know more about each other rather than just superficial things at first sight. I am, therefore, totally unsure whether he can stand the dark side of me as well as he's done the bright or not if I let him go any further.

According to a comical story about blood types, sometimes it's difficult to understand what A-type people are thinking, and I believe I'm not an exception. Many friends of mine said that my reactions to things, especially to bad stuff or people, were often unpredictable. My mood can swing like the line on a sine graph from time to time and in my experience, it needs extraordinary amounts of patience, magnanimity as well as understanding to accept me as who I really am. And also in my experience, very very few guys could do that since I was born (T_T) - my dad, my little brother and my closest boy friend are the best and bravest ones at this so far, I think.

Of course I utterly am happy to enjoy this kind of feeling that somebody is having about me. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to step out my locked closet at the moment. Still, I am so much afraid of having to get back to it if things go wrong again.

Don't go...

I never thought that that I would possibly leave this country someday for a few years could change anything in this world. I just thought of myself, how I would feel and imagined a magnificent future when my dreams came true.

But never did I expected that I could ever feel this way when you said you might go away. It just hurt me more than I'd thought.

Am I too selfish?

Electricity - feel the vibe in your heart

**I haven't listened to the song for a while, but as always, it just gives me goose-bumps and can move me to tears very easily. The lyrics, the melody, the dance, they're just perfectly incorporated. Only one word to say: Brilliant!

It feels so weird

Holidays and I've got a headache again, literally (@_@) Feeling like exploding.

I've been thinking too much these days but it all goes nowhere. I'm struggling so hard to shove this kind of feeling away. It's actually not bad - the feeling, I mean - but makes me feel uneasy at the same time. I hate it when my emotions begin to get out of MY control. Geezz...

[Artwork from "Basara" by Tamura Yumi - my most favorite manga ever]

I need some rest

Tired to death. Can't even think properly anymore.

Notes

June 20 - 2 months to go
Sept 16 - 3 months to go
Nov 20 - 2 months to go

Things to prepare (quantity/estimation for each):
- SoP: 4
- Misc essays: 4
- Ref letters: 12
- Transcripts: 4
- Prof.: 8
- Emails: countless
- TOEFL: 1
- GRE: 1
- Money: lots
- Time: very little
- Ability: depends
- Probability: med-low
- Expectation: super high

--> FAQ:
Tired?  
- Yes, of course.
Quit?
- No.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

Making them leave this world all of a sudden like this? Why did you want to take them from me this way, Heaven? My dear grandpa, then my cheerful friend. Just a phone call to tell me "He's gone"? Not only once but twice. Are you kidding me? Gosh, you think my heart is made of iron? And even iron can be shaped, how could you suppose I would be tough enough to get through all this without feeling a thing, without PAIN?

$#%&^%*&%^&^%#@$&$%^&(^(*^%#$#

HOLY CRAP!

What a day!

Today is our national holiday. Many people enjoyed the day to the fullest and so did I. I met my close friend who was on a business trip to my hometown and had so much fun with her. I met another close (perhaps, closest) friend later and together we watched a great movie at the cinema. We talked so much, we enjoyed everything so much and I had so a good day until I got home, had a shower, checked mails, read some pages of Harry Potter then tried to get some sleep earlier than usual, thinking that today was utterly perfect, and just when I was about to fall into my dreams, another close friend called me just to inform: "You know what, T. has died today".

I love these guys, seriously! (>.<)

[From "Cinderella's Sister" behind the scene - Credit as labeled]

Phewwwww.............

Finally, all work done. Officially head up to study ONLY. *dancing in happiness* :")

(Found this on Soompi. Credit as labelled)

So cute, eh? :D

It's pretty frustrating sometimes

It took me weeks to investigate more than 50 school websites in order to short list some suitable ones. A friend of mine once advised that I should simultaneously apply to several schools - by which she meant all "low ranked - med ranked - high ranked" ones - to higher my matriculation probability but it's kinda funny (or pity) that my desired program nearly fall into prestige schools only. What a nice choice I made, eh? (T_T) Mom said I might look around in some small schools to see if they provided the same program, but for God's sake, she should have remembered where she studied it. I also considered choosing a different program but then found it so hard to write a proper statement of purpose, proving what I'd done and would do with it. In short, my mind simply went blank if I got out of track - which is equal to "choosing a path which leads me to where-I-don't-know", instead of firmly sticking to ONE decision as usual. 

The hurdle is much more difficult this time. I wouldn't compete with a few thousand people in this small country, I would have to compete with the world. It's big, it's magnificent, it's enchanting, but it's cruel and always willing to slap me on the face. But again, just as the highschool days, I have no vision of any failure 'cos I don't ever think of it.  Still, however, I'm afraid. I really am very scared. I'm not scared of being failed, but of myself, instead, afraid that I can't overcome my own bad habits and negative character traits. I don't mean to wait for the apples to fall in my lap but if I try hard enough this time, will I be blessed again?

[So adorable, eh? *^_^* - www.wallcoo.com]

Updates

Again, my mind is being crushed trying to think about what to write in a refusal email. Refusing an invitation after such a load of questions (and emails back and forth) and answers exchanged makes me feel so guilty. Oh well, in case you're getting confused of what I'm talking about, the thing is that I've officially decided to drop the internship in Japan. Some may say it's such a wonderful opportunity to polish my CV/application for graduate study. I got that, but just in case the job is any bit relevant to the course or it lasts long enough to leave any valuable experience. After chewing all the pros and cons over for a while, I believe my parents will also side with me on my choice.

Some incidents which have happened recently during my study also helped firm up my decision. Last night, I spent some time doing a sample GRE test on Verbal and Quantity to see how far I'd gone, and the result just made me speechless and stunned - in their negative meanings. 700 for Quantity (what a GREAT result , eh? >"<) and ONLY 310 for Verbal (this subsequently turned me into a genuine idiot officially!). Holy craps! How can I manage to get in my dream school with such a shameful result like that? If I insist in pursuing the internship, I'm pretty sure you'll see me bang my head against a wall till death out of frustration, self-loathing and this blog will become a very place for moaning and crappy rambling for the rest of my life. Before doing the sample test, I'd tried writing my first statement of purpose for the course I like best, but upon seeing some of my friends' reactions after proof-reading it, I was glad I hadn't sent it to many to earn more shame for myself. If you could see the "small mountain" of books and documents I had (and planned) to read to get some ideas for new statements, I doubt you would encourage me to go anywhere away from home during this time.

P/S: To my friends, namely (in order of age) butterball, tinysun, Thao (Kitty) and Hong Anh (LC), I know how lucky I am to have you as my friends (on and off-line) and please feel free to beat me up if I ever do anything upsetting you or disgracing myself in every way (^_^)

(Muka Muka Paradise - my all-time favorite anime)

Study and stuff

I've been focusing on my study these days. It feels much better and refreshing than I thought. At least, having something serious (and important) to do can distract me from stupid, dull thoughts stirring in my mind from time to time. It's always great to see how your effort can make progress, which proves that your brain isn't a complete waste yet. 

It hasn't been finalized about to which school I should apply but I've already made my decision on what I wanna learn. Just 1 year ago, I never thought one day I would want to follow my mother's steps like this. Seems like she's never been wrong about her vision of my future. Preparation for the application thing is going quite well, though there are still lots of things I have to do. When you have only 5 months for 3 statements of purpose and 3 reference letters (to be multiplied into 3 sets) to write, 2 tests of English to take (which costs you a LOT of money), 1 graduation exam with 2 major subjects awaiting and lots of other tiny-but-mandatory stuff to do, you'll see why I tend to go crazy more often lately.

Anyway, this time "giving up" isn't allowed in my dictionary. Please wish me luck, pals! :)

#@%$#%^%&%#

Forget it, forget it, forget it!

Just a bunch of craps.

Should be tossed into trash bin.

$^%&#$%#@$@$@#%%%#$$!@

Ookina furudokei - by Hirai Ken

 大きな古時計

おおきなのっぽの古時計
おじいさんの時計
百年　いつも動いていた
ご自慢の時計さ
おじいさんの　生まれた朝に
買ってきた時計さ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

百年　休まずに
チク　タク　チク　タク
おじいさんと　いっしょに
チク　タク　チク　タク
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

何でも知ってる　古時計
おじいさんの時計
きれいな花嫁やってきた
その日も動いてた
うれしいことも　悲しいことも
みな知ってる　時計さ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

うれしいことも　悲しいことも
みな知ってる　時計さ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

真夜中に　ベルがなった
おじいさんの　時計
お別れのときがきたのを
みなにおしえたのさ
天国へのぼる　おじいさん
時計とも　お別れ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

百年　休まずに
チク　タク　チク　タク
おじいさんと　いっしょに
チク　タク　チク　タク
いまは　もう動かない　その時計
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

Translation:

My Grandfather's Big Clock

My grandfather's clock
Was a big and tall old clock
For one hundred years it always rang
A clock you could boast about
It was bought
On the morning that my grandfather was born
Now, that clock no longer rings

For one hundred years, without a break
Tick tock, tick tock
Just like my grandfather
Tick tock, tick tock
Now, that clock no longer rings

That old clock knows everything
My grandfather's clock
Rang on the day
That he got a beautiful bride
During the happy times and the sad times
Everyone knew that clock
Now, that clock no longer rings

During the happy times and the sad times
Everyone knew that clock
Now, that clock no longer rings

At midnight
My grandfather's clock rang
The time to say farewell had come
It told everyone
Rising to heaven, my grandfather
Said farewell to the clock
Now, that clock no longer rings

For one hundred years, without a break
Tick tock, tick tock
Just like my grandfather
Tick tock, tick tock
Now, that clock no longer rings
Now, that clock no longer rings

**It's been years since I last listened to this song. It came to me by mere accident tonight as I was looking around in my youtube's update list. The melody brought me back to my (nearly) very first days in university, when I was still so in love with what I got from school, including Japanese which charmed me the most of all at the time. I was so in love with my life as well as people around me, and my mind was filled with so many dreams and expectations. My heart was so pure and I could love anybody with all I have without any hesitations. I used to be so "full". To tell the truth, I really felt my tears welling up as my ears caught such a familiar melody tonight, like meeting an old friend after a long long time of parting, or meeting someone so dear having got lost and now coming back to me. The flow of emotions as well as old feelings and memories suddenly rushed back all at once and filled me up again. The old things - they still haven't gone and perhaps never will, I guess.

Break Away - by Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jetplane, far away
And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, gotta
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Breakaway
Breakaway...

**This is one of my favorite songs ever. It takes the words right out of my mouth, speaking out loud what I've always thought and wanted. Just simple feelings and desires by young, dreaming, curious and ambitious people like me, who want to break free and fly high away when the time comes. Maybe because right now I'm just in the mood, I feel the song, its melody and lyrics flowing so smooth in my mind, a mind that is waiting for its time to break away.

Things I must complete this year

For my study:

1. Graduation (with high final scores).

2. Taking GRE (with a satisfying result, of course).

3. Retaking TOEFL (probably. My current result is still good enough, actually).

4. Successfully applying to Brown Uni (don't know why I felt so comfortable each time visiting this school's website).

5. Getting a scholarship for my graduate study (the most challenging goal, indeed, but not impossible if I can do the first 3 things above well).

I used to "moan" in one of my previous posts that I might apply for a master course in Kyoto Uni or whatever school in Japan upon my mom's wish. But after some deadly fighting with Japanese language, I've become so unsure about my ability to take anymore of it. It, Japanese, was one of the most horrible choices I ever made in my life (I'm not meaning to "moan" again, actually), so if I could find a way to escape from its trap, why wouldn't I?

Ok. Now the goals are set and it's time to get on board. They say this year is my year, so why don't I just take advantage of it, right? Fighting! :)

[Princess Diaries 1 & 2 - I so enjoy this series. It really lit up my days.]

Time waits for no one

[Images from the anime "The Girl Who Leaps Through Time" - recommended by my friend, lovely butterball. She utterly knows how to get me back on my track :( ]

Honestly, this anime left me so much more afterthoughts and feelings than I'd expected. Its story kept lingering in my mind during this weekend and eventually, that lead me to the feeling that if I didn't write down anything to take it out, I would go crazy with such a load of jammed emotions packed inside my head. I really don't know where to start nor what I should write about the movie, but if you're curious enough to care what's haunting me, just Google it - the film's title, I mean - take some time to enjoy and then you'll see why, I hope.

Anyway, thank you for such an excellent recommendation as usual, my friend :)

My neighbor, Totoro

When your soul is pure, magic can happen...

This classic, amazing anime reminds me of how wonderful it is to have a place to call home. And childhood definitely is one of the best moments in one's life, let alone spending it in such a breathtaking-ly beautiful place like this village.

A masterpiece created with deepest love and understanding. Here it is :)

 

 

Let's start from here

As mentioned in my previous post, I was quite confused of what to do with the internship application due to my fear of failure. But I decided to give it a try after all. Anyway, we never can know how the road would be if we don't take any steps to join it. The person in charge of recruitment wants to talk with me on phone to test my language ability. This is a mandatory step and also what I fear the most in the process. The training during the internship is conducted in English, I guess, but the problem is that because most Japanese speaks English horribly, they usually demand all trainees to be able communicate WELL in Japanese.  Oh gosh, how I am supposed to survive when the test is set to take place by the end of MARCH? (T_T)

Can I do that?

There is an international internship invitation coming up in my inbox today. Well, to be more specific, it's from Japan. The internship sounds really really interesting, and on top of that, it's about banking, in which I've already got some work experience. But the only and also the biggest problem is that I know my Japanese currently isn't qualified for it at all. However, the internship starts in Sept, which means I have 6 months for the language preparation if my application is successful. It's not very long, indeed, but if I try hard enough, I believe I can make a break through (like I did to my English in the past). However, I don't know if they're patient enough to wait for me then?

Now I've fully got what it means when people say: you cannot take any opportunities if you're not prepared for them.

Never did I feel so stupid like this before!

What if

- What if tomorrow I die?

- Oh, please. It's not a good joke.

------------------------------

* Lana

From time to time, I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I get confused. The future is so unclear that I feel like it's turning into a swamp full of mud waiting for me to trip in. I don't even know what I really want to do nor where I want to get. Mom and Dad would always love to see me going this or that way, collecting fame and glory for myself as well as for them. I know they love me but the way they express it makes me seriously suffocated now and then. I'm choked, thus, unable to cry. I wish I could tell them what I was thinking. I wish they would hold back their so-called "mature words" to listen to me, wholeheartedly without any judgments. They have never done that and I know they won't ever. It's just a wish, anyway.

I don't know if I truly love him. Or love him enough. We've been together for almost ten years. Pretty long for a relationship, enough for us to know what kind of person either of us is, what we like and dislike. I'm used to having him by my side almost all the time. He's always there whenever I need someone to lean on, to stay with me in silence, to hold me gently. He's warm, literally and figuratively, and he's everything a woman should need for her life. He's been always there and never a second do I think of him disappearing from my world. On the contrary, it's always me who keeps pondering over the possibility of myself vanishing out of his world. That kind of selfish thought leaves me the question above: whether I love him enough? I can't imagine how he might react nor what he would say. Would he feel hurt or angry? Would he hate me then? I don't know. But the truth is, not only once did I think of leaving him, leaving this world, our world.

Today once again mom and dad blamed me for not achieving what they wanted me to. I got an email from an old friend. She was boasting about her success overseas, and of course not forgetting to ask how I was doing. How I am doing? A chick getting lost deep in an imaginary forest. A chick that doesn't want to smile but people keep forcing it to fake as many as possible. A chick that is sick of its life.

He's the only reason that keeps me alive, but when things get to hard, I can't bring myself to think of him as a medicine for life. I don't have many choices to make, either. Staying with him or trying to find an escape, both ways lead to so much heartbreak, no matter to whom they do. Neither can I put them on a scale to consider any pros and cons. Well, then should I ask him before hand?

* Charles

It hurt when she uttered that question. I know she wasn't joking. She just couldn't hold it back anymore. I've always prepared myself against anything that may come but for the first time of my life, listening to her question with my ears made me truly scared. I'm scared of time. I'm scared it will take her away when she's no longer able to stand this world. I'm scared I will be left all alone in this empty place.

She was born into a famed and ambitious family, which has trained her to become a competitive person in anything. She can't let herself be defeated because she isn't allowed to. She always appears to be cold and arrogant, but only God (and me) knows that so many unspoken familial tragedies have frozen her heart and made it close tightly like an vacuum-packed bag. People found it strange as since the first time we had chance to talk with each other, I'd become closer and closer to her, like being pulled with an irresistible force, until one day we walked down together hand in hand. They've stopped talking about us for long but I've never stopped loving her. More than anyone, I know she's the one who needs to be protected and I want myself to be the one who does it for her entire life.

She seldom smiles but also never does she get mad at me. Unlike many guys who love to see their lovers smiling, I just want her to do whatever she wants with me, even though that means I don't have many opportunities to enjoy her radiant smiles which never fail to capture my heart. I love to see her true self. She once said I was the only one with whom she could be who she is, that she loved me enough to never be able to get mad at me, and because she loved me, she didn't want to fake anything like she had to at home or at work. I've always known that once she says anything, she really means it. And that's how she saves me from this damn affected world where people all put on flamboyant masks to get something from others.

She's been acting quite strange lately. She talks less (although she never was talkative type). Many times she seems drowned in silence, and her mind is lost to somewhere I cannot reach. Many times it feels like she wants to cry as her lips tighten and her shoulders slightly tremble, but her face always is dried after all. There are times she suddenly holds my hand tighter than usual, as if she wanted me to grab her back from something. If you ask me what shape frustration is, it's my eyes when I look at her getting lost away from my/our world, it's my heart when I just want to embrace all her pains, it's my hands when I want to hold hers in mine forever. I just want to keep her in a safe and peaceful place but I can't and neither will she let me. So eventually, anyone can tell me what I can do for her?

* Lana

Finally, I asked it out. I couldn't bring myself to look at his face. I was afraid. I was afraid of seeing him hurt. I was afraid of feeling myself hurt.

"It's not a good joke". I know it's not. Not a good joke at all for these two delicate souls. He could have got really really mad at me for saying such nonsense. How long have we gone to get this far? How much has he done for me? Don't I understand how much I mean to him? Could I be that selfish, evil-hearted? How could I utter this kind of stupid question? 

But... what if I wasn't joking...

* Charles

Would she take me with her, then...?

Julie & Julia

If you have ever watched this movie, don't ask me why I've been a HUGE fan of Meryl Streep since the very first film of hers felt into my hands. She's just simply stunning! An acting with so much charm and wisdom. I've just finished watching the movie this noon and now I think I can partly understand how it feels when, as a friend of mine used to say, you cook for someone you love. And a small happy note: I didn't realize I already had the book in my e-book stock until I watched the movie and began to search for it around :D I've just scanned through the first pages and I should say Julie really didn't go overboard when she said it felt like Julia was with her in the kitchen. All the narration as well as instructions was written on such a friendly tone that it can make you want to jump right into your kitchen with the book in hand to make a start, forgetting that you are to cook FRENCH, something (supposed to be) luxurious, fabulous and of course, not easy at all. But that doesn't mean we can't give it a try, eh?

 

 

Ponyo On The Cliff By The Sea

Way way wayyyyyyy tooooooooo cute! This is definitely one of my most favorite animes. The story, the color, the music, everything is just so nice that I can't keep track how many times I've watched this anime again and again. This is just a simple story about how love should be, between people in a community, between husband and wife, between parents and children, between brothers and sisters, between people who are destined to love each other. Can't describe how cute it is when Ponyo talks about her mother, who is the Goddess of the Sea: "tottemo kowai" (very scary) - to which Sosuke adds "Lisa mitai da" (sounds like Lisa, my mother) - but her feelings for mom is "Okaasan daiiiiiiiiiisuki!" (I loveeeeee her!) I dare to say that this anime should be on your must-watch list, if your heart still has room for fairytales!