Updates

Again, my mind is being crushed trying to think about what to write in a refusal email. Refusing an invitation after such a load of questions (and emails back and forth) and answers exchanged makes me feel so guilty. Oh well, in case you're getting confused of what I'm talking about, the thing is that I've officially decided to drop the internship in Japan. Some may say it's such a wonderful opportunity to polish my CV/application for graduate study. I got that, but just in case the job is any bit relevant to the course or it lasts long enough to leave any valuable experience. After chewing all the pros and cons over for a while, I believe my parents will also side with me on my choice.

Some incidents which have happened recently during my study also helped firm up my decision. Last night, I spent some time doing a sample GRE test on Verbal and Quantity to see how far I'd gone, and the result just made me speechless and stunned - in their negative meanings. 700 for Quantity (what a GREAT result , eh? >"<) and ONLY 310 for Verbal (this subsequently turned me into a genuine idiot officially!). Holy craps! How can I manage to get in my dream school with such a shameful result like that? If I insist in pursuing the internship, I'm pretty sure you'll see me bang my head against a wall till death out of frustration, self-loathing and this blog will become a very place for moaning and crappy rambling for the rest of my life. Before doing the sample test, I'd tried writing my first statement of purpose for the course I like best, but upon seeing some of my friends' reactions after proof-reading it, I was glad I hadn't sent it to many to earn more shame for myself. If you could see the "small mountain" of books and documents I had (and planned) to read to get some ideas for new statements, I doubt you would encourage me to go anywhere away from home during this time.

P/S: To my friends, namely (in order of age) butterball, tinysun, Thao (Kitty) and Hong Anh (LC), I know how lucky I am to have you as my friends (on and off-line) and please feel free to beat me up if I ever do anything upsetting you or disgracing myself in every way (^_^)

(Muka Muka Paradise - my all-time favorite anime)

Study and stuff

I've been focusing on my study these days. It feels much better and refreshing than I thought. At least, having something serious (and important) to do can distract me from stupid, dull thoughts stirring in my mind from time to time. It's always great to see how your effort can make progress, which proves that your brain isn't a complete waste yet. 

It hasn't been finalized about to which school I should apply but I've already made my decision on what I wanna learn. Just 1 year ago, I never thought one day I would want to follow my mother's steps like this. Seems like she's never been wrong about her vision of my future. Preparation for the application thing is going quite well, though there are still lots of things I have to do. When you have only 5 months for 3 statements of purpose and 3 reference letters (to be multiplied into 3 sets) to write, 2 tests of English to take (which costs you a LOT of money), 1 graduation exam with 2 major subjects awaiting and lots of other tiny-but-mandatory stuff to do, you'll see why I tend to go crazy more often lately.

Anyway, this time "giving up" isn't allowed in my dictionary. Please wish me luck, pals! :)

#@%$#%^%&%#

Forget it, forget it, forget it!

Just a bunch of craps.

Should be tossed into trash bin.

$^%&#$%#@$@$@#%%%#$$!@

Ookina furudokei - by Hirai Ken

 大きな古時計

おおきなのっぽの古時計
おじいさんの時計
百年　いつも動いていた
ご自慢の時計さ
おじいさんの　生まれた朝に
買ってきた時計さ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

百年　休まずに
チク　タク　チク　タク
おじいさんと　いっしょに
チク　タク　チク　タク
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

何でも知ってる　古時計
おじいさんの時計
きれいな花嫁やってきた
その日も動いてた
うれしいことも　悲しいことも
みな知ってる　時計さ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

うれしいことも　悲しいことも
みな知ってる　時計さ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

真夜中に　ベルがなった
おじいさんの　時計
お別れのときがきたのを
みなにおしえたのさ
天国へのぼる　おじいさん
時計とも　お別れ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

百年　休まずに
チク　タク　チク　タク
おじいさんと　いっしょに
チク　タク　チク　タク
いまは　もう動かない　その時計
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

Translation:

My Grandfather's Big Clock

My grandfather's clock
Was a big and tall old clock
For one hundred years it always rang
A clock you could boast about
It was bought
On the morning that my grandfather was born
Now, that clock no longer rings

For one hundred years, without a break
Tick tock, tick tock
Just like my grandfather
Tick tock, tick tock
Now, that clock no longer rings

That old clock knows everything
My grandfather's clock
Rang on the day
That he got a beautiful bride
During the happy times and the sad times
Everyone knew that clock
Now, that clock no longer rings

During the happy times and the sad times
Everyone knew that clock
Now, that clock no longer rings

At midnight
My grandfather's clock rang
The time to say farewell had come
It told everyone
Rising to heaven, my grandfather
Said farewell to the clock
Now, that clock no longer rings

For one hundred years, without a break
Tick tock, tick tock
Just like my grandfather
Tick tock, tick tock
Now, that clock no longer rings
Now, that clock no longer rings

**It's been years since I last listened to this song. It came to me by mere accident tonight as I was looking around in my youtube's update list. The melody brought me back to my (nearly) very first days in university, when I was still so in love with what I got from school, including Japanese which charmed me the most of all at the time. I was so in love with my life as well as people around me, and my mind was filled with so many dreams and expectations. My heart was so pure and I could love anybody with all I have without any hesitations. I used to be so "full". To tell the truth, I really felt my tears welling up as my ears caught such a familiar melody tonight, like meeting an old friend after a long long time of parting, or meeting someone so dear having got lost and now coming back to me. The flow of emotions as well as old feelings and memories suddenly rushed back all at once and filled me up again. The old things - they still haven't gone and perhaps never will, I guess.

Break Away - by Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jetplane, far away
And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, gotta
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Breakaway
Breakaway...

**This is one of my favorite songs ever. It takes the words right out of my mouth, speaking out loud what I've always thought and wanted. Just simple feelings and desires by young, dreaming, curious and ambitious people like me, who want to break free and fly high away when the time comes. Maybe because right now I'm just in the mood, I feel the song, its melody and lyrics flowing so smooth in my mind, a mind that is waiting for its time to break away.

Things I must complete this year

For my study:

1. Graduation (with high final scores).

2. Taking GRE (with a satisfying result, of course).

3. Retaking TOEFL (probably. My current result is still good enough, actually).

4. Successfully applying to Brown Uni (don't know why I felt so comfortable each time visiting this school's website).

5. Getting a scholarship for my graduate study (the most challenging goal, indeed, but not impossible if I can do the first 3 things above well).

I used to "moan" in one of my previous posts that I might apply for a master course in Kyoto Uni or whatever school in Japan upon my mom's wish. But after some deadly fighting with Japanese language, I've become so unsure about my ability to take anymore of it. It, Japanese, was one of the most horrible choices I ever made in my life (I'm not meaning to "moan" again, actually), so if I could find a way to escape from its trap, why wouldn't I?

Ok. Now the goals are set and it's time to get on board. They say this year is my year, so why don't I just take advantage of it, right? Fighting! :)

[Princess Diaries 1 & 2 - I so enjoy this series. It really lit up my days.]

Time waits for no one

[Images from the anime "The Girl Who Leaps Through Time" - recommended by my friend, lovely butterball. She utterly knows how to get me back on my track :( ]

Honestly, this anime left me so much more afterthoughts and feelings than I'd expected. Its story kept lingering in my mind during this weekend and eventually, that lead me to the feeling that if I didn't write down anything to take it out, I would go crazy with such a load of jammed emotions packed inside my head. I really don't know where to start nor what I should write about the movie, but if you're curious enough to care what's haunting me, just Google it - the film's title, I mean - take some time to enjoy and then you'll see why, I hope.

Anyway, thank you for such an excellent recommendation as usual, my friend :)

My neighbor, Totoro

When your soul is pure, magic can happen...

This classic, amazing anime reminds me of how wonderful it is to have a place to call home. And childhood definitely is one of the best moments in one's life, let alone spending it in such a breathtaking-ly beautiful place like this village.

A masterpiece created with deepest love and understanding. Here it is :)

 

 

Let's start from here

As mentioned in my previous post, I was quite confused of what to do with the internship application due to my fear of failure. But I decided to give it a try after all. Anyway, we never can know how the road would be if we don't take any steps to join it. The person in charge of recruitment wants to talk with me on phone to test my language ability. This is a mandatory step and also what I fear the most in the process. The training during the internship is conducted in English, I guess, but the problem is that because most Japanese speaks English horribly, they usually demand all trainees to be able communicate WELL in Japanese.  Oh gosh, how I am supposed to survive when the test is set to take place by the end of MARCH? (T_T)

Can I do that?

There is an international internship invitation coming up in my inbox today. Well, to be more specific, it's from Japan. The internship sounds really really interesting, and on top of that, it's about banking, in which I've already got some work experience. But the only and also the biggest problem is that I know my Japanese currently isn't qualified for it at all. However, the internship starts in Sept, which means I have 6 months for the language preparation if my application is successful. It's not very long, indeed, but if I try hard enough, I believe I can make a break through (like I did to my English in the past). However, I don't know if they're patient enough to wait for me then?

Now I've fully got what it means when people say: you cannot take any opportunities if you're not prepared for them.

Never did I feel so stupid like this before!