Monday, May 10, 2010

Life is funny, sometimes

It feels kinda strange after a while not particularly liking anybody - oh, well, any guys, actually. The last time I found myself in a relationship was more than 3 years ago. It's not so long but because of all the pain it left me, I've almost forgot what it feels like when you're interested in someone enough to let him get through your shield. Because of that, my heart has become a locked closet which can hardly be opened again. Because of that, I've always supposed that nobody - ok, no guys - would care about me again. And because of all that, now I find it really strange and a little confusing when I've got a feeling that somebody is being interested in me in a special way.

That would be no problem if he has seen more of myself than just a cheerful, witty girl who can make anybody laugh out loud if she feels like it. I know it's nothing bad for a good first impression to expand my network or to help my business go smoothly, and I'm not meaning I purposely use it to take any advantages also. But you know, for a more personal relationship, I'm afraid that such presumption can lead to something, er, worse than any of us can expect once we get to know more about each other rather than just superficial things at first sight. I am, therefore, totally unsure whether he can stand the dark side of me as well as he's done the bright or not if I let him go any further.

According to a comical story about blood types, sometimes it's difficult to understand what A-type people are thinking, and I believe I'm not an exception. Many friends of mine said that my reactions to things, especially to bad stuff or people, were often unpredictable. My mood can swing like the line on a sine graph from time to time and in my experience, it needs extraordinary amounts of patience, magnanimity as well as understanding to accept me as who I really am. And also in my experience, very very few guys could do that since I was born (T_T) - my dad, my little brother and my closest boy friend are the best and bravest ones at this so far, I think.

Of course I utterly am happy to enjoy this kind of feeling that somebody is having about me. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to step out my locked closet at the moment. Still, I am so much afraid of having to get back to it if things go wrong again.

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