- What if tomorrow I die?
- Oh, please. It's not a good joke.
From time to time, I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I get confused. The future is so unclear that I feel like it's turning into a swamp full of mud waiting for me to trip in. I don't even know what I really want to do nor where I want to get. Mom and Dad would always love to see me going this or that way, collecting fame and glory for myself as well as for them. I know they love me but the way they express it makes me seriously suffocated now and then. I'm choked, thus, unable to cry. I wish I could tell them what I was thinking. I wish they would hold back their so-called "mature words" to listen to me, wholeheartedly without any judgments. They have never done that and I know they won't ever. It's just a wish, anyway.
I don't know if I truly love him. Or love him enough. We've been together for almost ten years. Pretty long for a relationship, enough for us to know what kind of person either of us is, what we like and dislike. I'm used to having him by my side almost all the time. He's always there whenever I need someone to lean on, to stay with me in silence, to hold me gently. He's warm, literally and figuratively, and he's everything a woman should need for her life. He's been always there and never a second do I think of him disappearing from my world. On the contrary, it's always me who keeps pondering over the possibility of myself vanishing out of his world. That kind of selfish thought leaves me the question above: whether I love him enough? I can't imagine how he might react nor what he would say. Would he feel hurt or angry? Would he hate me then? I don't know. But the truth is, not only once did I think of leaving him, leaving this world, our world.
Today once again mom and dad blamed me for not achieving what they wanted me to. I got an email from an old friend. She was boasting about her success overseas, and of course not forgetting to ask how I was doing. How I am doing? A chick getting lost deep in an imaginary forest. A chick that doesn't want to smile but people keep forcing it to fake as many as possible. A chick that is sick of its life.
He's the only reason that keeps me alive, but when things get to hard, I can't bring myself to think of him as a medicine for life. I don't have many choices to make, either. Staying with him or trying to find an escape, both ways lead to so much heartbreak, no matter to whom they do. Neither can I put them on a scale to consider any pros and cons. Well, then should I ask him before hand?
It hurt when she uttered that question. I know she wasn't joking. She just couldn't hold it back anymore. I've always prepared myself against anything that may come but for the first time of my life, listening to her question with my ears made me truly scared. I'm scared of time. I'm scared it will take her away when she's no longer able to stand this world. I'm scared I will be left all alone in this empty place.
She was born into a famed and ambitious family, which has trained her to become a competitive person in anything. She can't let herself be defeated because she isn't allowed to. She always appears to be cold and arrogant, but only God (and me) knows that so many unspoken familial tragedies have frozen her heart and made it close tightly like an vacuum-packed bag. People found it strange as since the first time we had chance to talk with each other, I'd become closer and closer to her, like being pulled with an irresistible force, until one day we walked down together hand in hand. They've stopped talking about us for long but I've never stopped loving her. More than anyone, I know she's the one who needs to be protected and I want myself to be the one who does it for her entire life.
She seldom smiles but also never does she get mad at me. Unlike many guys who love to see their lovers smiling, I just want her to do whatever she wants with me, even though that means I don't have many opportunities to enjoy her radiant smiles which never fail to capture my heart. I love to see her true self. She once said I was the only one with whom she could be who she is, that she loved me enough to never be able to get mad at me, and because she loved me, she didn't want to fake anything like she had to at home or at work. I've always known that once she says anything, she really means it. And that's how she saves me from this damn affected world where people all put on flamboyant masks to get something from others.
She's been acting quite strange lately. She talks less (although she never was talkative type). Many times she seems drowned in silence, and her mind is lost to somewhere I cannot reach. Many times it feels like she wants to cry as her lips tighten and her shoulders slightly tremble, but her face always is dried after all. There are times she suddenly holds my hand tighter than usual, as if she wanted me to grab her back from something. If you ask me what shape frustration is, it's my eyes when I look at her getting lost away from my/our world, it's my heart when I just want to embrace all her pains, it's my hands when I want to hold hers in mine forever. I just want to keep her in a safe and peaceful place but I can't and neither will she let me. So eventually, anyone can tell me what I can do for her?
Finally, I asked it out. I couldn't bring myself to look at his face. I was afraid. I was afraid of seeing him hurt. I was afraid of feeling myself hurt.
"It's not a good joke". I know it's not. Not a good joke at all for these two delicate souls. He could have got really really mad at me for saying such nonsense. How long have we gone to get this far? How much has he done for me? Don't I understand how much I mean to him? Could I be that selfish, evil-hearted? How could I utter this kind of stupid question?
But... what if I wasn't joking...
Would she take me with her, then...?