Saturday, February 27, 2010

What if

- What if tomorrow I die?
- Oh, please. It's not a good joke.

* Lana
From time to time, I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I get confused. The future is so unclear that I feel like it's turning into a swamp full of mud waiting for me to trip in. I don't even know what I really want to do nor where I want to get. Mom and Dad would always love to see me going this or that way, collecting fame and glory for myself as well as for them. I know they love me but the way they express it makes me seriously suffocated now and then. I'm choked, thus, unable to cry. I wish I could tell them what I was thinking. I wish they would hold back their so-called "mature words" to listen to me, wholeheartedly without any judgments. They have never done that and I know they won't ever. It's just a wish, anyway.

I don't know if I truly love him. Or love him enough. We've been together for almost ten years. Pretty long for a relationship, enough for us to know what kind of person either of us is, what we like and dislike. I'm used to having him by my side almost all the time. He's always there whenever I need someone to lean on, to stay with me in silence, to hold me gently. He's warm, literally and figuratively, and he's everything a woman should need for her life. He's been always there and never a second do I think of him disappearing from my world. On the contrary, it's always me who keeps pondering over the possibility of myself vanishing out of his world. That kind of selfish thought leaves me the question above: whether I love him enough? I can't imagine how he might react nor what he would say. Would he feel hurt or angry? Would he hate me then? I don't know. But the truth is, not only once did I think of leaving him, leaving this world, our world.

Today once again mom and dad blamed me for not achieving what they wanted me to. I got an email from an old friend. She was boasting about her success overseas, and of course not forgetting to ask how I was doing. How I am doing? A chick getting lost deep in an imaginary forest. A chick that doesn't want to smile but people keep forcing it to fake as many as possible. A chick that is sick of its life.

He's the only reason that keeps me alive, but when things get to hard, I can't bring myself to think of him as a medicine for life. I don't have many choices to make, either. Staying with him or trying to find an escape, both ways lead to so much heartbreak, no matter to whom they do. Neither can I put them on a scale to consider any pros and cons. Well, then should I ask him before hand?

* Charles
It hurt when she uttered that question. I know she wasn't joking. She just couldn't hold it back anymore. I've always prepared myself against anything that may come but for the first time of my life, listening to her question with my ears made me truly scared. I'm scared of time. I'm scared it will take her away when she's no longer able to stand this world. I'm scared I will be left all alone in this empty place.

She was born into a famed and ambitious family, which has trained her to become a competitive person in anything. She can't let herself be defeated because she isn't allowed to. She always appears to be cold and arrogant, but only God (and me) knows that so many unspoken familial tragedies have frozen her heart and made it close tightly like an vacuum-packed bag. People found it strange as since the first time we had chance to talk with each other, I'd become closer and closer to her, like being pulled with an irresistible force, until one day we walked down together hand in hand. They've stopped talking about us for long but I've never stopped loving her. More than anyone, I know she's the one who needs to be protected and I want myself to be the one who does it for her entire life.

She seldom smiles but also never does she get mad at me. Unlike many guys who love to see their lovers smiling, I just want her to do whatever she wants with me, even though that means I don't have many opportunities to enjoy her radiant smiles which never fail to capture my heart. I love to see her true self. She once said I was the only one with whom she could be who she is, that she loved me enough to never be able to get mad at me, and because she loved me, she didn't want to fake anything like she had to at home or at work. I've always known that once she says anything, she really means it. And that's how she saves me from this damn affected world where people all put on flamboyant masks to get something from others.

She's been acting quite strange lately. She talks less (although she never was talkative type). Many times she seems drowned in silence, and her mind is lost to somewhere I cannot reach. Many times it feels like she wants to cry as her lips tighten and her shoulders slightly tremble, but her face always is dried after all. There are times she suddenly holds my hand tighter than usual, as if she wanted me to grab her back from something. If you ask me what shape frustration is, it's my eyes when I look at her getting lost away from my/our world, it's my heart when I just want to embrace all her pains, it's my hands when I want to hold hers in mine forever. I just want to keep her in a safe and peaceful place but I can't and neither will she let me. So eventually, anyone can tell me what I can do for her?

* Lana
Finally, I asked it out. I couldn't bring myself to look at his face. I was afraid. I was afraid of seeing him hurt. I was afraid of feeling myself hurt.

"It's not a good joke". I know it's not. Not a good joke at all for these two delicate souls. He could have got really really mad at me for saying such nonsense. How long have we gone to get this far? How much has he done for me? Don't I understand how much I mean to him? Could I be that selfish, evil-hearted? How could I utter this kind of stupid question? 

But... what if I wasn't joking...

* Charles
Would she take me with her, then...?

Friday, February 26, 2010

Julie & Julia

If you have ever watched this movie, don't ask me why I've been a HUGE fan of Meryl Streep since the very first film of hers felt into my hands. She's just simply stunning! An acting with so much charm and wisdom. I've just finished watching the movie this noon and now I think I can partly understand how it feels when, as a friend of mine used to say, you cook for someone you love. And a small happy note: I didn't realize I already had the book in my e-book stock until I watched the movie and began to search for it around :D I've just scanned through the first pages and I should say Julie really didn't go overboard when she said it felt like Julia was with her in the kitchen. All the narration as well as instructions was written on such a friendly tone that it can make you want to jump right into your kitchen with the book in hand to make a start, forgetting that you are to cook FRENCH, something (supposed to be) luxurious, fabulous and of course, not easy at all. But that doesn't mean we can't give it a try, eh?


Thursday, February 25, 2010

Ponyo On The Cliff By The Sea

Way way wayyyyyyy tooooooooo cute! This is definitely one of my most favorite animes. The story, the color, the music, everything is just so nice that I can't keep track how many times I've watched this anime again and again. This is just a simple story about how love should be, between people in a community, between husband and wife, between parents and children, between brothers and sisters, between people who are destined to love each other. Can't describe how cute it is when Ponyo talks about her mother, who is the Goddess of the Sea: "tottemo kowai" (very scary) - to which Sosuke adds "Lisa mitai da" (sounds like Lisa, my mother) - but her feelings for mom is "Okaasan daiiiiiiiiiisuki!" (I loveeeeee her!) I dare to say that this anime should be on your must-watch list, if your heart still has room for fairytales!



Listen to a song, listen to a heart

These days I've been listening "Painted Heart" by Zhao Wei over and over again. Even though it's supposed to be a sad song, don't know why I kind of feel... good listening it to it. I like Zhao Wei's voice in this song, through which I can feel not only the loneliness of the woman in its lyrics but also that of the singer. And it, in a way, is on the same note of my feelings. Guess I'm not in a good mood? No. It's not anything close to sadness, not at all. It's just that I think I can relate myself to what is sung like the softest whispers in the wind, to the silent frustration of the woman over her love. On a positive side, this kind of feeling is, to me, supposed to be good as it proves my heart is still alive and can be softly awaken some time.

Still, I haven't been able to talk with him again after the holidays. We are now back to our initial places, almost like strangers. From time to time, just like the man in the song, he's somehow mixed into the moonlight, where I can see but never be able to reach him. Other times, I feel him very close (more physically), as if I can touch him whenever I want but my mind keeps refusing to step ahead. I like his calm, quiet manner, although I fully am aware that underneath those expressions stay many things for me to explore. It's also because of the fact that all I ever know about him are just through my friend's story, our short conversations (were they long enough to be called "conversations"?) and mostly my intuition, I wonder if I'm just blowing things out of their portion, imagining everything like a fairytale, like a viewer to an untouchable exhibit in a museum. Since it's untouchable, it becomes more beautiful than it is in my eyes. Of course, he's not a thing. He's the person I think I like. He's the one with whom I wanna talk. And by some means, he could have been touchable if either of us wasn't the silent type. But at the moment, I know for sure that he's just a moonlight in my night sky...

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Schedule to remember

22/5 - 30/5: Graduation registration.

30/5: Answering questions about graduation.

20/6: Graduation exam.

Yahooooo! Have waited for this for so long :D Finally I'm reaching the end of such a long long and painful road with my @#$#$%#%@ school.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Painted Heart

作曲:藤原育郎 作词:陈少琪

看不穿 是你失落的魂魄
猜不透 是你瞳孔的颜色
一阵风 一场梦
你的心 到底被什么蛊惑
看桃花 开出怎样的结果
看着你 抱着我 目光似(比)月色寂寞
就让你 在别人怀里快乐
爱着你 像心跳难触摸
画着你 画不出你的骨骼
记着你的脸色 是我等你的执著
你是我 一首唱不完的歌
*(我的心 只愿为你而割舍)

Painted Heart
(Theme song of movie “Painted Skin”)
Lyrics: Chen Shaoqi
Artist: Vicki ZhaoWei

Unable to see through your wandering spirit,
Unfathomable, the colour of your pupils
A passing wind, a waking dream
Like life, love remains undefined
Your heart, what confuses it so?
The outline of your body disappears into the night
I watch the cherry blossoms, waiting to see their blooms
I watch you, embracing me, your eyes lonelier than the moonlight
And I let you seek happiness in someone else’s arms
Loving you, untouchable like a heartbeat
Painting you, I cannot paint your skeleton
Remembering your expression, my reason to persist in waiting for you
You are mine, a song that I will never finish singing
*(My heart, only willing to be cut for you)

[Lyrics & Translation by Sevenses -]

** I truly love this song. Even though I don't really understand the meaning, it still moves my deeply. There are two versions of it, one by Jane Zhang (official OST) and the other by the movie's lead actress, Vicky Zhao Wei. I don't know if it's because she's the main actress, thanks to which she can "feel" the lyrics better, I felt in love with Zhao Wei's version right at first sight, which I think conveys deeper emotions than Jane Zhang's. I'll write more about the song for sure...

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Messy 2

What is this kind of frustration?

What am I supposed to do now?

How long will it take?

What will I get after all?

Am I going... nowhere?


Saturday, February 20, 2010

Just feel like writing

The more I think about it, the more I trust my intuition. It truly is the most loyal and faithful assistant I've ever had. So why do I mention it all of a sudden? Well, the thing is: again, the guy I "like" sounds more interesting than just merely a nice personality. My friend said despite his quiet and gentle appearance, he has things in his mind which are not easy to be understood. Actually, he's more complicated than many friends of ours, and the fact is that I did really feel pleasant to hear that. My love record shows that I tend to be appealed by guys with complex minds and good sense of art, and this time it seems to be not an exception as well. Sometimes having an extraordinarily sensitive sixth sense isn't a bad thing, I think. It helps me recognize quite many interesting people around. To me, guys with talents and unreadable minds are like a kind of drug, can be dangerous but also very appealing that it's difficult to resist the urge to approach them. Actually I'm not the kind of girl who likes challenges or something in love, but don't know why those (boys, I mean) who merely stay in "nice/good" category and are supposed to be "safe" to be... husband almost never can catch my eyes, not to mention my heart. I also fully understand how risky it can be to be with those kinds of people but I can't also explain the invisible and irresistible force of gravity they have toward me. So, eventually are they worth the risk or am I just a fool? And, well... okay... guess I'm talking nonsense again. Aren't I?

It's so hard... lose lots of weight in just 3 months. I knew it wasn't gonna be any easy but it's becoming much more difficult than I expected. From time to time, I really hate my body for its natural chubby shape and hate it even more when people tend to enjoy making fun of it. I don't buy they have no idea how mean they are but somehow the so-called hearts may have been eaten away in those people. Some others look at me as if I've committed a sin for being a "fatty". Ok la, I know what and how I am but do they need to "help" me confirm it times and times again like that? What the...!

In order to achieve my target, I need to lose 8kg/month in 3 consecutive months. Not a small number, even to a model or actress who needs to lose weight for their career. I used to lose more in the past so I know it's not something I cannot do. But under so much pressure, it becomes quite uneasy. However, as I said, it's NOT impossible, either, once I really put my mind into it.

3 months, 24kg. Just think of it as another exam to the university when I could make it to stay in top 10 of my school after just 3 months of serious study. I'll let them see who I'm gonna be in another 3 months and shut their ugly mouths up. Just wait and see!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Is it hard to open up your heart again? Yes, it is, somehow.

Shin-young: “I know why I’m always alone. I’m too selfish. I only know myself. The memory of being loved is growing so faint. Now, letting someone in my heart, revealing myself to someone, has become difficult for me. Because nobody loves me…in order to guard myself…maybe I let myself become selfish.”

(The Woman Who Stills Want To Marry - recap by girlfriday on

** Maybe that's why I think I'm gradually falling in love with the show each day. No exaggeration, no polishing, it's simply what you may feel when you find it so difficult to trust again, to give yourself a chance again. These days I find myself thinking a little bit more than usual about a guy. It's strange that he's someone about whom I hardly know and the only link between us so far is  just our mutual friends. But it's also strange that just seeing him  can make my feel good, something very tranquil inside. By any usual standards, no doubt he can easily be put into "good material" category. He's smart and about to graduate from a good school. His family's well-to-do enough to leave you no worries. He appears to be nice, gentle and on top of that, he's been the best friend of my best friend for years, which gives him credit for possibly a good person. Although we've merely KNOWN each other since last year, I know we, me and him, just really noticed one another since the second trip to the ancient town this year, which happened just 2 days ago. And more exactly, I noticed him as we first exchanged some words about a souvenir and he did me later on his first visit to my house (with some other friends) and I know what kind of impression I gave him at that moment. I'm not meaning to like him or something. It's not even close to that 'cause, as I said, we hardly know anything about each other. Just, well, I find it really interesting and surprising as there's a guy who can make me "think of" him at last. It's a kinda good feeling, anyway. And I really am happy to find out that me is still alive :D

Sunday, February 14, 2010

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!

This year, I really am feeling SOOOOOOOO MUCH HAPPY!

And I wish you the same 'cos I finally know how great it is to be surrounded with TRUE HAPPINESS!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Wide Awake - Emi Fujita

The dawn breaks slowly in the east
As day defeats the night
The echo of your voice that greets
The feeble morning light
Is the only answer to my silent prayer
And the promises i never make
You are always with me - your always there
In my dreams - though i am wide awake

And sometimes a forbidden glance
Will give my heart away
The light that kindled our romance
May flicker through the gray
All the gold and silver at the rainbows end
All earthly goods - i'll forsake
For each shooting star - a wish i send
And i dream - though i am wide awake

You were the rolling tidal wave
That swept my barren shores
If you will let me share your day
My life's forever yours
I will never understand the reason why
We fail to learn from our mistakes
I will wait for you as the days go by
With my dream - though i am wide awake

*About the song:
This song was included in a CD my ex gave me a few years ago. From time to time, listening to this song makes me think of him - just "think of", not "miss". He's the only one whose heart has been broken by such a thoughtless, heartless and selfish me so far and I know for the rest of his life, never will he forgive me. But anyway, he really is a nice memory to keep with no trace of pain. Perhaps, we used to like each other so much in the past but the affection as well as our halfway maturity at the time wasn't enough to carry us any further.


It's better than I thought to be home again. Maybe because I've changed and so have my parents. At least, they no longer try to fit me into the "normal" category of girl who should be, as they suppose, sociable, friendly, clever, etc. The best thing is that they finally let me be who I am, a weird creature in many people's view. And the bestest thing is that, I realize how their love still remain the same through all those years, despite my failures and rebellion which brought shame to them.

For the very first time of my life, I really enjoy doing house chores for the sake of people I love and of my beloved home as well. I learn how to make cakes for my little brother and although I haven't got any real successes, he's still willing to be the most patient tester who gives me lots of encouragements. I feel my tears welling up as my dad wakes up at 5pm each day to prepare things for my morning exercise, afraid that I may catch a cold. I enjoy every single hug and kiss my mom gives me each time she's home as well as all the stuff she buys me to "spruce up" my look after a long time I've almost completely neglected it. She enjoys looking at my face and boasting to herself how gorgeous her daughter is. I know future is something that can't be foreseen and totally unpredictable to ordinary people like me, but still, I wish, together with my love, someday in the future we can show our kids what it is to be a true family bound with real love like my parents have been doing.

I'm a few years past twenty. Some friends at my age have got married already. I'm being single and I have no intention of holding that status for long in years to come. I, however, am not in any hurry to change it, either. But thinking of the matter of time, it, from time to time, makes me scared. The truth is the more ages I put on, the faster my parents grow older. I'm feeling it so clearly that imagining I may have to leave them again someday makes my future become so blur. I can't stop the flow of time nor turn it back, but I desperately want to stay with them a little bit longer, so anyone can tell me what I can do to make time slow down its steps?

Once you feel so nice being home, it's equally horrible to think of the day you may have to leave it.