Me and life

1. Who I am

I was born in fall which is said to be the season of poetry. I really like this season and thus, am very proud of my month of birth. But it's kinda strange that no matter how I favor September as well as its yellow-turns-red leaves and cool breezes, summer appears to be the most lucky season of the year for me. I don't hate winter, the time that teaches me the meaning of warmth and hugs. It also allows me to show off my huge collection of winter coats which helps change my colors every single day. "You look like a colorful ice-cream" - said a classmate when I was in junior high school. However, winter, with its cold and rough weather, plays as the toughest  time of a year for me. The worst things I've encountered in my life so far all happened on winter background. If a friend is close enough, he/she never cares to leave me any greetings on Christmas 'cos they know it's the time I hate the most of the year. 10 years in a row, this year included, Christmas was such a nightmare to me, as if I'd been cast under a cruel spell against the season. Since the death of my grandfather (dad's side), spring is no long special to me. I even want it to pass faster so that I can go back to my daily routine in summer. This is how I enjoy a year.

Parents, close friends and strangers, they all tend to use one word to describe me: WEIRD. They find it hard to understand what's going on in my mind, and sometimes frustration is the only thing they can get as my reactions go against all of their predictions. But also, there's one thing on which they all agree and thanks to which I'm not abandoned despite my weirdness, that is: I always am the one in front of whom they can put their hearts on their sleeves without being afraid of any hurt.

2. How I lived

For the first 19 years of my life, I was a good child to my family. I made them so proud that they could boast about their daughter anytime, anywhere. I was all new to the outer world, and hence, to me it was beautiful and fantastic. I could easily trust people and believed that my kindness would be repaid with kindness. My heart was wide open (although my behaviors appeared to be not) and I did everything with 100% enthusiasm. My friend said I was so innocent back then, yet most beautiful.

For the next 3 years, after I first experienced what it was to be heart-broken and betrayed, I began my long journey to see this world more clearly. Let alone I let my study drop off shamefully, I was a true rebel against my family. I got a job in a famous company which is a dream place for many people. I worked like a professional and never in my life, I'd had to smile that much. Yah, I say "had to" because it wasn't what I "wanted to". My friend, again, said "You seem to smile a lot more and easy-going towards people, but your heart is closed". It was the darkest time in my life so far, the worst and longest nightmare I've ever had.

3. How I want to live

Now, as the nightmare is gone, I wanna be back to my true self. It may not be so good and professional-look, but it's simply who I am.

To me, a day would be perfect if I wake up after a sound sleep, do some house chores, read books, listen to music, cook delicious meals, write several words about something I like, learn foreign languages, meet a nice friend and on that day, there shouldn't be so much sound.

I don't have many friends and I don't want to, either. I can't handle so many relationships at the same time even though I tried hard. However, on the other hand, I want to open my heart again, to let people in and let them decide to stay with me or not. It feels better than to live like a moving creature with a dead heart, I think.

4. How I'm gonna live

The idea "how I'm going to live" is not always the same as "how I want to live", but for once, I'm wanting them to be one.

I'm going back home soon, to start all over again. Maybe in one year, I'll be leaving it again but I believe it'll be different this time. Because it's the journey that everyone earnestly wants me to take so that they can see a bright me back.