Saturday, December 26, 2009

Me and dreams





1. What I dreamed of

When I had to make a choice of which university I should enroll, I chose my current one 'cos I dreamed of being an expert of Japanese so that I could go (back) to Japan someday. I loved Japanese comics, some of which were so brilliant that they did effect my view of life back then.

I wanted to become a successful business woman so that I could earn lots of money as well as fame. I wanted to be recognized, to be honored. It was just a dream, I told you.

I wanted to built a gorgeous house for my family, and in order to do that, I knew I must study hard to earn enough money. It wasn't just a dream, I was a promise which I don't know if I can keep.


2. What I'm dreaming of

I don't know if it still can be called a dream once you can see a clear way to achieve it. So, I'm just gonna count what I've still got no idea how and what to do as "dreams".

I'm dreaming of the day when there's someone who can wake my heart up from death. I don't hate people for what I've got through, just simply I don't and can't feel anything after which.  There were some trying to act cool to me, but all I could do was... running away from them, and now I still am. Is this bad, I mean my present condition?

I still want to make the dream of that gorgeous house come true but it seems so hard for me at the moment, especially as I haven't got much vision of where life will lead me in several years to come.

I want to become an excellent translator. It's far more difficult than people think it is. Being good at a foreign language doesn't mean you can be a good translator. It takes you tons of study and years of life experience. I wish for a day when my translation of a foreign literary work appears on the bookshelves of local bookstores, and my name can be found under the book title as its main translator. I don't know why I love this job so much though it doesn't earn me much. No translator can be rich without another job.

3. What I did to my dreams

To some, I abandoned completely. The business woman, for instance.  After all I've got through in my fucking university (which is considered as one of the best domestic schools), I'm now pretty determined to become a professor like my Mom, by which I can help reduce the increasing number of crappy, heartless and irresponsible teachers in this country. One more reason for the abandonment is that after more than a year working in that famous company, I realized business environment is not where I can fit myself in. I worked hard and earned some recognition but all the time I felt like an actor on stage, putting on just fake appearance. I got almost no friends there and every work day left me exhausted.

To some, I hardly manage to carry on. Going to Japan is among them. To tell the truth, I'm really sick of the language but an inner voice tells me not to give up since I've been going this far. Mom is going to to find me a school in Japan next year and she's hoping that I can be accepted to her old school, a prestigious one. Do I owe you for any huge debts in my past life, Japanese?

4. What I'm doing to realize my dreams

I'm still struggling with my resistance to Japanese. If it's not for the sake of my further study and the dream of becoming a professor, I would kill anyone who dares to spill a single Japanese word in front of me. I like my Japanese name, which means "a beautiful flower" and sounds similar to my real name, I like Japanese manga and anime, I like Japanese arts but they're not enough to serve as a motivation in this situation, where I find myself totally lack the so-called "passion".

I'm going to study hard for the final graduation exams so that I can make up a little for the poor academic result at school over 4 years. I will follow anything my parents tell me to do and let them show me a way. I've been really really tired during the nightmare so I think moving on on a good path is somehow a good way to rest.

I'm gonna be a good child again from now on.

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