Me and friends

1. Close friends

I've got very very few of them. I call them "close" which means: they are people who can see through me, calling out both the good and evil sides of me,

My very first close friend was a beautiful, charming (and rich, like an ideal chaebol girl in K-drama) girl from junior high school. She's one of the most mature, cleverest with such insightful thoughts I've ever met of my age. No wonder she is the first and also the only one who can understand me the most to date. Our personalities are almost completely different, so it kinda amazes me thinking over how we could tolerate each other through all those years, especially when we all knew that both of us belonged to the super stubborn and pig-headed kind of girls. Since she went abroad for her study (to succeed her family's business), we haven't been in touch regularly. You may say it's me who avoids her rather than it's geographical distance to blame. Don't ask me the reason, it may sounds stupid to some but to those who know what kind of person I am, they will not wonder so much about this. However, no matter what happens and however much we may change in course of time, I know that forever she's a friend that I never can forget for my entire life.

The second one I wanna mention here is another girl from high school. She's also pretty and very smart (in many ways, except for the matter of foreign languages). If the first one mentioned above is the one who can understand me best, this second is someone who had to tolerate me the most, over last eight years, I suppose. Maybe it's just my super luck to find her, an extremely out-going personality so that she could easily forgive and forget all of my madness from time to time. She's the one who taught me lots about life, I mean "normal life" - literally. I don't know if it's due to the fact that I was born in autumn, people tend to look at me (and I also get it myself) as a girl-with-her-mind-in-the-clouds. That's why to some ordinary matters of life, I appear to be an strangely ignorant person, much that she had no choice other than holding back her laughter and teaching me how to deal with such things.

The third one, a girl again. But actually she's much younger than me. She not as pretty as the other two but charming and has her charisma. I bet many must feel jealous at her attractiveness. If you wanna find someone who can be crazier, more impulsive, moodier than me, it's her. But she's got an admirable talent for language and imagination. At the age of fifteen, she already had a short story which was spread over hundreds of local online forums and personal blogs. But above all of that, to me she's like a guardian angel. A true angel in its beautiful meaning. She always appeared in time when I was at my lowest stage or in the very worst circumstances of my early life. She gave me her hands, raising me up, comforting me then disappeared again, back to her non-stop journeys (she travels a lot). But as  told you earlier, because she's not less crazy than me, we fought a lot over many tiny things. However, we both know where to stop before things get out of hands and in our heart, we see each other as someone who cannot be traded for just nonsensical stuff, thus, we know what it is to reconcile and treasure one another after all.

The forth, and also the final for today, is a boy. The only boy who can accept me as who I am, an ugly, weird, hot-tempered, arrogant, straight-forward girl, and a cold-minded friend who can throw hash words at him any time if she's mad or when he acts foolishly over something. The best guy I've ever met (even a thousand times better than my ex) but also the guy I never can LOVE as a girl does a boy. Yes, it's kind of a mysterious question for which I can't find an appropriate answer yet. He's just someone who leaves me messages of comfort everytime I'm in bad mood, knowing that I never answer them. He listens to my petty stories hour after hour until my phone account is out of balance. He drives me along the dark, flooded streets in the heavy rain of a summer night to make sure I'm home safe and sound. He collects pictures of my Mom, who is also his teacher, in their field trip to send me via Y!M because he knows that I would love to see them. He's someone about whom another close friend of mine once said: "Whatever may come, I know he'll never leave you alone."

2. Buddies

I call them buddies because they're friends who I can share some moments but not those who can be by my side at critical times. I've got quite a lot of them since my enrollment to the university and through my jobs as well. They're all nice, they left me something to remember, but I know when time passes by, I may fade away in their memories and vice versa.

3. Online friends

Well, it's kinda strange that some of my best friends come from the Internet world, where people find it hard to build up any long-term relationships. I got my first online friends in high school time and now they're still my special friends. It's been almost eight years, I think. Later I also made some more online buddies but don't know why they couldn't become as close as the first ones did to me. Perhaps it was because of me. I changed, indeed. I closed down my world and was afraid to deal with anyone/anything wholeheartedly. I didn't proactively approach anyone for years like I used to, and consequently, my inner world became smaller and smaller until one day it was too narrow to accept anything new.

These days, suddenly I felt an urge to reach out to the world again. It's like how Kang Suk felt when he could resume his love with Dan Ah (in Family's Honour), that "I feel like can breath again, can live properly again". This morning, when an older sister, who I first met in a forum and we felt in loves as sisters, asked me if it's fun to be a "fangirl", I answered without any second of hesitation "It is. I feel like I'm living again." She said if we had a chance to meet again, she would hug me ten times for what I said today which many others have longed to hear from me for so long.

4. Disconnected relationships

I'm not talking about those I hate because I would never mind giving any room in my mind and any minute of my time thinking about them. Instead, I'm gonna write about why I dropped some should-have-been-good relationships.

To me, people in such relationships are all good, at least they're as fine as ordinary buddies to whom I wanna give some of my thought. But for some reasons, I felt unable to bring myself to handle all of them. Our connections were like loose strings on which I had to spend time and effort to keep them... as loose as ever. That made me tired, my mind tired and my body also tired. I totally understand they all were nice and nothing wrong if they wanted to deliver me some sweet words, "bubble care" but like I said, maybe I'm a crazy, weird and greedy creature who doesn't know what it is to be content, I just felt like needing some gentle touches, some radiant smiles, some vivid voices, some body warmth, some more actions of care so that I know they were real, our relationships were real. Then, once things went off my limits, I ran away. And that's how I gave up, cowardly and irresponsibly. From time to time, I do wonder: is there anything wrong with me?