I'm back ^^

I've been a very looooooong time since I last wrote anything in here. Thank God that it's not completely forgotten. Someone (well, my lovely Butterball, actually :P) reminded me of my writings a few days ago and I think she meant this place of mine. I've got 3 official blogs in total, two in English and one in Vietnamese. 2 for rambling and 1 for my short (and absurd) "short stories". And I think it's time I brought this one back.

Actually before writing this entry, I've deleted a couple old ones which I suppose shouldn't be kept. They were things I'd better forget, and I don't want anybody else to know them, either. You won't blame me, will you? *kidding* ^^

Sometimes I feel it kinda more comfortable expressing my thoughts in English than doing it in Vietnamese, and that's why I still have the habit of writing all my personal documents in English at work. By the way, for your update, I've been doing quite good with my life these days and my current job as a teacher is going pretty well. It provides me with a lot of time for leisure activities, but still helps me earn enough money to have some savings. Of course there are still obstacles, but challenges always make things more interesting, don't they? ^^ To a certain extent, I think I'm sorta pleased with my life now and what I need now is just a little bit more time and strength to make my dreams come true :)

Anyway, I'm back. And welcome back to my little room, my dear friends! *hearts*

Thank you

... for your appearance in my life
... for letting me know that I'm still alive
... for giving me endless thoughts about someone
... for teaching me what it is to trust again
... for taking me to this world again
... for all the nice memories we had together
... for the stories you shared with me each day
... for all you've done for me
... for the faster beats of my heart each time I see you
... for the fragrant I wouldn't forget
... for all the ups and downs in my heart that you never know
... for all the laughter you gave me
... for your kindness which I found so strange
... for your promises and I know you would keep them all
... for giving me vivid dreams about an unknown future of us two
... for sharing with me some of the happiest days of my life so far
... and for giving me courage to give you up

I was really happy those days, you know.

Updates

Again, my mind is being crushed trying to think about what to write in a refusal email. Refusing an invitation after such a load of questions (and emails back and forth) and answers exchanged makes me feel so guilty. Oh well, in case you're getting confused of what I'm talking about, the thing is that I've officially decided to drop the internship in Japan. Some may say it's such a wonderful opportunity to polish my CV/application for graduate study. I got that, but just in case the job is any bit relevant to the course or it lasts long enough to leave any valuable experience. After chewing all the pros and cons over for a while, I believe my parents will also side with me on my choice.

Some incidents which have happened recently during my study also helped firm up my decision. Last night, I spent some time doing a sample GRE test on Verbal and Quantity to see how far I'd gone, and the result just made me speechless and stunned - in their negative meanings. 700 for Quantity (what a GREAT result , eh? >"<) and ONLY 310 for Verbal (this subsequently turned me into a genuine idiot officially!). Holy craps! How can I manage to get in my dream school with such a shameful result like that? If I insist in pursuing the internship, I'm pretty sure you'll see me bang my head against a wall till death out of frustration, self-loathing and this blog will become a very place for moaning and crappy rambling for the rest of my life. Before doing the sample test, I'd tried writing my first statement of purpose for the course I like best, but upon seeing some of my friends' reactions after proof-reading it, I was glad I hadn't sent it to many to earn more shame for myself. If you could see the "small mountain" of books and documents I had (and planned) to read to get some ideas for new statements, I doubt you would encourage me to go anywhere away from home during this time.

P/S: To my friends, namely (in order of age) butterball, tinysun, Thao (Kitty) and Hong Anh (LC), I know how lucky I am to have you as my friends (on and off-line) and please feel free to beat me up if I ever do anything upsetting you or disgracing myself in every way (^_^)

(Muka Muka Paradise - my all-time favorite anime)

Things I must complete this year

For my study:

1. Graduation (with high final scores).

2. Taking GRE (with a satisfying result, of course).

3. Retaking TOEFL (probably. My current result is still good enough, actually).

4. Successfully applying to Brown Uni (don't know why I felt so comfortable each time visiting this school's website).

5. Getting a scholarship for my graduate study (the most challenging goal, indeed, but not impossible if I can do the first 3 things above well).

I used to "moan" in one of my previous posts that I might apply for a master course in Kyoto Uni or whatever school in Japan upon my mom's wish. But after some deadly fighting with Japanese language, I've become so unsure about my ability to take anymore of it. It, Japanese, was one of the most horrible choices I ever made in my life (I'm not meaning to "moan" again, actually), so if I could find a way to escape from its trap, why wouldn't I?

Ok. Now the goals are set and it's time to get on board. They say this year is my year, so why don't I just take advantage of it, right? Fighting! :)

[Princess Diaries 1 & 2 - I so enjoy this series. It really lit up my days.]

Listen to a song, listen to a heart

These days I've been listening "Painted Heart" by Zhao Wei over and over again. Even though it's supposed to be a sad song, don't know why I kind of feel... good listening it to it. I like Zhao Wei's voice in this song, through which I can feel not only the loneliness of the woman in its lyrics but also that of the singer. And it, in a way, is on the same note of my feelings. Guess I'm not in a good mood? No. It's not anything close to sadness, not at all. It's just that I think I can relate myself to what is sung like the softest whispers in the wind, to the silent frustration of the woman over her love. On a positive side, this kind of feeling is, to me, supposed to be good as it proves my heart is still alive and can be softly awaken some time.

Still, I haven't been able to talk with him again after the holidays. We are now back to our initial places, almost like strangers. From time to time, just like the man in the song, he's somehow mixed into the moonlight, where I can see but never be able to reach him. Other times, I feel him very close (more physically), as if I can touch him whenever I want but my mind keeps refusing to step ahead. I like his calm, quiet manner, although I fully am aware that underneath those expressions stay many things for me to explore. It's also because of the fact that all I ever know about him are just through my friend's story, our short conversations (were they long enough to be called "conversations"?) and mostly my intuition, I wonder if I'm just blowing things out of their portion, imagining everything like a fairytale, like a viewer to an untouchable exhibit in a museum. Since it's untouchable, it becomes more beautiful than it is in my eyes. Of course, he's not a thing. He's the person I think I like. He's the one with whom I wanna talk. And by some means, he could have been touchable if either of us wasn't the silent type. But at the moment, I know for sure that he's just a moonlight in my night sky...

Schedule to remember

22/5 - 30/5: Graduation registration.

30/5: Answering questions about graduation.

20/6: Graduation exam.

Yahooooo! Have waited for this for so long :D Finally I'm reaching the end of such a long long and painful road with my @#$#$%#%@ school.

Just feel like writing

The more I think about it, the more I trust my intuition. It truly is the most loyal and faithful assistant I've ever had. So why do I mention it all of a sudden? Well, the thing is: again, the guy I "like" sounds more interesting than just merely a nice personality. My friend said despite his quiet and gentle appearance, he has things in his mind which are not easy to be understood. Actually, he's more complicated than many friends of ours, and the fact is that I did really feel pleasant to hear that. My love record shows that I tend to be appealed by guys with complex minds and good sense of art, and this time it seems to be not an exception as well. Sometimes having an extraordinarily sensitive sixth sense isn't a bad thing, I think. It helps me recognize quite many interesting people around. To me, guys with talents and unreadable minds are like a kind of drug, can be dangerous but also very appealing that it's difficult to resist the urge to approach them. Actually I'm not the kind of girl who likes challenges or something in love, but don't know why those (boys, I mean) who merely stay in "nice/good" category and are supposed to be "safe" to be... husband almost never can catch my eyes, not to mention my heart. I also fully understand how risky it can be to be with those kinds of people but I can't also explain the invisible and irresistible force of gravity they have toward me. So, eventually are they worth the risk or am I just a fool? And, well... okay... guess I'm talking nonsense again. Aren't I?

Is it hard to open up your heart again? Yes, it is, somehow.

Shin-young: “I know why I’m always alone. I’m too selfish. I only know myself. The memory of being loved is growing so faint. Now, letting someone in my heart, revealing myself to someone, has become difficult for me. Because nobody loves me…in order to guard myself…maybe I let myself become selfish.”

(The Woman Who Stills Want To Marry - recap by girlfriday on dramabeans.com)

** Maybe that's why I think I'm gradually falling in love with the show each day. No exaggeration, no polishing, it's simply what you may feel when you find it so difficult to trust again, to give yourself a chance again. These days I find myself thinking a little bit more than usual about a guy. It's strange that he's someone about whom I hardly know and the only link between us so far is  just our mutual friends. But it's also strange that just seeing him  can make my feel good, something very tranquil inside. By any usual standards, no doubt he can easily be put into "good material" category. He's smart and about to graduate from a good school. His family's well-to-do enough to leave you no worries. He appears to be nice, gentle and on top of that, he's been the best friend of my best friend for years, which gives him credit for possibly a good person. Although we've merely KNOWN each other since last year, I know we, me and him, just really noticed one another since the second trip to the ancient town this year, which happened just 2 days ago. And more exactly, I noticed him as we first exchanged some words about a souvenir and he did me later on his first visit to my house (with some other friends) and I know what kind of impression I gave him at that moment. I'm not meaning to like him or something. It's not even close to that 'cause, as I said, we hardly know anything about each other. Just, well, I find it really interesting and surprising as there's a guy who can make me "think of" him at last. It's a kinda good feeling, anyway. And I really am happy to find out that me is still alive :D

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!

This year, I really am feeling SOOOOOOOO MUCH HAPPY!

And I wish you the same 'cos I finally know how great it is to be surrounded with TRUE HAPPINESS!