I think I love "it" more than I thought - Day 1

"It" refers to Saigon, a place I used to love so much, and also hate no less. During the last 3-day trip, I met quite a lot of people, some are my former classmates, some are my online-turn-offline friends, some I'd known for many years, some I'd just met a few times, and others gave me a chance to see them for the very first time since we'd got to know each other. All of them left me such nice memories that I wish I could have extended the trip for a couple days.

I arrived at Saigon at about 7:15AM, feeling so excited, but unfortunately, my friend forgot to pick me up so I had to wait about half a hour before taking a taxi to my friend's home. She'd been waiting for me and when we met, she was still as beautiful and hospitable as usual. We talked for a while before she drove me to a coffee shop in the city's center where I met an online friend.

It was a little but very nice coffee shop decorated with lots of flowers. I felt so guilty when I knew that she'd been waiting for me for nearly one hour and a half (T_T) She looked younger than I'd thought, and her personality was much brighter than what she'd shown in my blog the other day. We're both from DN, but she's been living in SG for many years while I chose to come back home after 4 years and a half experiencing a lonely life there. We talked a lot and then she treated me lunch. I felt so honored to get to know about her and I believe I've been such a lucky girl to have opportunities to make friends with people like her. She's sweet, lovely but strong and tough as well. That we both worked in banking made it even easier for us to share our thoughts with each other. She said she was planning to come back to DN in fall and I'm really looking forward to seeing her again in our own hometown.

After lunch, she drove me to an ice-cream shop as I had an appointment with another online friend of mine there. I usually called her Ka. She treated me ice-cream made by her boss (and it tasted sooooooooo good!), then we talked for about 2 hours until she finished her shift and drove me to my friend's home so that I could prepare for a wedding in the evening. Sometimes I feel that Ka is a little bit weird, but it's hard to explain why I like her that much. Maybe it's because of her straightforwardness and sincerity, as well as her oddness ^^

After taking a nap, my friend's boyfriend drove us to the wedding of our classmate. The bride looked so pretty and utterly happy. I felt deeply happy for her as she'd found a great man for her life after so much heartbreak. It was also the most enjoyable wedding I'd ever attended so far. There I had a chance to meet my former college classmates. They all looked really beautiful and had become rather successful boys and girls. I used to hate my school a lot but after all, it was where I was able to meet many wonderful and excellent people who taught me how to try my best and to be humble in life.

We left the wedding at 9:30PM, and I spent one more hour in a karaoke room to listen to my friends' singing. My friend and I reached home at about 11PM and we both felt exhausted after a weekend with lots of activities. I chatted with my Sousuke on Y!M for several minutes before going to bed. To me, a day would be incomplete without hearing his voice or talking with him even just a few words. Sometimes he might make me get raving mad 'cos of silly stuff, but after all, he's still my dose of tranquillizer :)

Life is funny, sometimes

It feels kinda strange after a while not particularly liking anybody - oh, well, any guys, actually. The last time I found myself in a relationship was more than 3 years ago. It's not so long but because of all the pain it left me, I've almost forgot what it feels like when you're interested in someone enough to let him get through your shield. Because of that, my heart has become a locked closet which can hardly be opened again. Because of that, I've always supposed that nobody - ok, no guys - would care about me again. And because of all that, now I find it really strange and a little confusing when I've got a feeling that somebody is being interested in me in a special way.

That would be no problem if he has seen more of myself than just a cheerful, witty girl who can make anybody laugh out loud if she feels like it. I know it's nothing bad for a good first impression to expand my network or to help my business go smoothly, and I'm not meaning I purposely use it to take any advantages also. But you know, for a more personal relationship, I'm afraid that such presumption can lead to something, er, worse than any of us can expect once we get to know more about each other rather than just superficial things at first sight. I am, therefore, totally unsure whether he can stand the dark side of me as well as he's done the bright or not if I let him go any further.

According to a comical story about blood types, sometimes it's difficult to understand what A-type people are thinking, and I believe I'm not an exception. Many friends of mine said that my reactions to things, especially to bad stuff or people, were often unpredictable. My mood can swing like the line on a sine graph from time to time and in my experience, it needs extraordinary amounts of patience, magnanimity as well as understanding to accept me as who I really am. And also in my experience, very very few guys could do that since I was born (T_T) - my dad, my little brother and my closest boy friend are the best and bravest ones at this so far, I think.

Of course I utterly am happy to enjoy this kind of feeling that somebody is having about me. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to step out my locked closet at the moment. Still, I am so much afraid of having to get back to it if things go wrong again.

Notes

June 20 - 2 months to go
Sept 16 - 3 months to go
Nov 20 - 2 months to go

Things to prepare (quantity/estimation for each):
- SoP: 4
- Misc essays: 4
- Ref letters: 12
- Transcripts: 4
- Prof.: 8
- Emails: countless
- TOEFL: 1
- GRE: 1
- Money: lots
- Time: very little
- Ability: depends
- Probability: med-low
- Expectation: super high

--> FAQ:
Tired?  
- Yes, of course.
Quit?
- No.

Home

It's better than I thought to be home again. Maybe because I've changed and so have my parents. At least, they no longer try to fit me into the "normal" category of girl who should be, as they suppose, sociable, friendly, clever, etc. The best thing is that they finally let me be who I am, a weird creature in many people's view. And the bestest thing is that, I realize how their love still remain the same through all those years, despite my failures and rebellion which brought shame to them.

For the very first time of my life, I really enjoy doing house chores for the sake of people I love and of my beloved home as well. I learn how to make cakes for my little brother and although I haven't got any real successes, he's still willing to be the most patient tester who gives me lots of encouragements. I feel my tears welling up as my dad wakes up at 5pm each day to prepare things for my morning exercise, afraid that I may catch a cold. I enjoy every single hug and kiss my mom gives me each time she's home as well as all the stuff she buys me to "spruce up" my look after a long time I've almost completely neglected it. She enjoys looking at my face and boasting to herself how gorgeous her daughter is. I know future is something that can't be foreseen and totally unpredictable to ordinary people like me, but still, I wish, together with my love, someday in the future we can show our kids what it is to be a true family bound with real love like my parents have been doing.

I'm a few years past twenty. Some friends at my age have got married already. I'm being single and I have no intention of holding that status for long in years to come. I, however, am not in any hurry to change it, either. But thinking of the matter of time, it, from time to time, makes me scared. The truth is the more ages I put on, the faster my parents grow older. I'm feeling it so clearly that imagining I may have to leave them again someday makes my future become so blur. I can't stop the flow of time nor turn it back, but I desperately want to stay with them a little bit longer, so anyone can tell me what I can do to make time slow down its steps?

Once you feel so nice being home, it's equally horrible to think of the day you may have to leave it.

Before bed time

I wrote a lot then deleted it all.

Well, maybe because of the drama tonight. Being loved and being hurt is somehow a nice experience to have but too painful to get through...

Random thought

The (probable) fact is:

- I'm gonna study Environmental Management (Master)
- Next to it will be Environmental Economics (PhD)
- It will takes me at least 5 to 6 years in Japan
- I don't really like the country but thanks to Mom I can have a chance to study in a prestigious school where accepted people are far far more hardworking than I am

While...

- I want to study Communications in US as well (from Mater to PhD)
- But Mom said I can't become a professor teaching it in my country because there's no school for me to do my job
- And it's a thousand times harder to be accepted into a good school with my poor result without any help or endorsement

And:

- It's already pointed out what I can and should do
- But I don't know where this feeling of regret comes from
- So here I'm babbling again

The end.