I think I love "it" more than I thought - Day 1

"It" refers to Saigon, a place I used to love so much, and also hate no less. During the last 3-day trip, I met quite a lot of people, some are my former classmates, some are my online-turn-offline friends, some I'd known for many years, some I'd just met a few times, and others gave me a chance to see them for the very first time since we'd got to know each other. All of them left me such nice memories that I wish I could have extended the trip for a couple days.

I arrived at Saigon at about 7:15AM, feeling so excited, but unfortunately, my friend forgot to pick me up so I had to wait about half a hour before taking a taxi to my friend's home. She'd been waiting for me and when we met, she was still as beautiful and hospitable as usual. We talked for a while before she drove me to a coffee shop in the city's center where I met an online friend.

It was a little but very nice coffee shop decorated with lots of flowers. I felt so guilty when I knew that she'd been waiting for me for nearly one hour and a half (T_T) She looked younger than I'd thought, and her personality was much brighter than what she'd shown in my blog the other day. We're both from DN, but she's been living in SG for many years while I chose to come back home after 4 years and a half experiencing a lonely life there. We talked a lot and then she treated me lunch. I felt so honored to get to know about her and I believe I've been such a lucky girl to have opportunities to make friends with people like her. She's sweet, lovely but strong and tough as well. That we both worked in banking made it even easier for us to share our thoughts with each other. She said she was planning to come back to DN in fall and I'm really looking forward to seeing her again in our own hometown.

After lunch, she drove me to an ice-cream shop as I had an appointment with another online friend of mine there. I usually called her Ka. She treated me ice-cream made by her boss (and it tasted sooooooooo good!), then we talked for about 2 hours until she finished her shift and drove me to my friend's home so that I could prepare for a wedding in the evening. Sometimes I feel that Ka is a little bit weird, but it's hard to explain why I like her that much. Maybe it's because of her straightforwardness and sincerity, as well as her oddness ^^

After taking a nap, my friend's boyfriend drove us to the wedding of our classmate. The bride looked so pretty and utterly happy. I felt deeply happy for her as she'd found a great man for her life after so much heartbreak. It was also the most enjoyable wedding I'd ever attended so far. There I had a chance to meet my former college classmates. They all looked really beautiful and had become rather successful boys and girls. I used to hate my school a lot but after all, it was where I was able to meet many wonderful and excellent people who taught me how to try my best and to be humble in life.

We left the wedding at 9:30PM, and I spent one more hour in a karaoke room to listen to my friends' singing. My friend and I reached home at about 11PM and we both felt exhausted after a weekend with lots of activities. I chatted with my Sousuke on Y!M for several minutes before going to bed. To me, a day would be incomplete without hearing his voice or talking with him even just a few words. Sometimes he might make me get raving mad 'cos of silly stuff, but after all, he's still my dose of tranquillizer :)

Just venting some spleen out

I've been reading lots of Chinese romance novels recently. It's sorta like comforting myself.

The worst thing is that I've always had to try my best to calm myself down each time my grandma and other relatives of mine whisper about my employment status behind my back recently. Sometimes they even make me feel that I am being insulted. I swear at the so-called face to which they hold on to live. I swear at their ignorance, at their selfishness, at their greediness. And has anyone told them that they've been being unconsciously heartless to me?

Too much work is wearing me out. Ironically, those who have been helping me a lot are neither my parents nor any blood-related persons but my Sousuke, my lovely staffs and my friends. Strangely enough, it seems I wasn't born to live with my current family in harmony. No matter how hard I try, they seem to have forgotten how to listen and get what I really want for my life. Yah yah, I know that this is not new anymore, that it can't be any more boring, bla bla... But can you tell me how I can fix things up? I'm already in complete frustration now.

*sighs* Hope miracles will happen soon. And, well, I miss you, my Sousuke. Wish you could hold me right now. I really need a big warm hug.

I'm back ^^

I've been a very looooooong time since I last wrote anything in here. Thank God that it's not completely forgotten. Someone (well, my lovely Butterball, actually :P) reminded me of my writings a few days ago and I think she meant this place of mine. I've got 3 official blogs in total, two in English and one in Vietnamese. 2 for rambling and 1 for my short (and absurd) "short stories". And I think it's time I brought this one back.

Actually before writing this entry, I've deleted a couple old ones which I suppose shouldn't be kept. They were things I'd better forget, and I don't want anybody else to know them, either. You won't blame me, will you? *kidding* ^^

Sometimes I feel it kinda more comfortable expressing my thoughts in English than doing it in Vietnamese, and that's why I still have the habit of writing all my personal documents in English at work. By the way, for your update, I've been doing quite good with my life these days and my current job as a teacher is going pretty well. It provides me with a lot of time for leisure activities, but still helps me earn enough money to have some savings. Of course there are still obstacles, but challenges always make things more interesting, don't they? ^^ To a certain extent, I think I'm sorta pleased with my life now and what I need now is just a little bit more time and strength to make my dreams come true :)

Anyway, I'm back. And welcome back to my little room, my dear friends! *hearts*

Thank you

... for your appearance in my life
... for letting me know that I'm still alive
... for giving me endless thoughts about someone
... for teaching me what it is to trust again
... for taking me to this world again
... for all the nice memories we had together
... for the stories you shared with me each day
... for all you've done for me
... for the faster beats of my heart each time I see you
... for the fragrant I wouldn't forget
... for all the ups and downs in my heart that you never know
... for all the laughter you gave me
... for your kindness which I found so strange
... for your promises and I know you would keep them all
... for giving me vivid dreams about an unknown future of us two
... for sharing with me some of the happiest days of my life so far
... and for giving me courage to give you up

I was really happy those days, you know.

Life is funny, sometimes

It feels kinda strange after a while not particularly liking anybody - oh, well, any guys, actually. The last time I found myself in a relationship was more than 3 years ago. It's not so long but because of all the pain it left me, I've almost forgot what it feels like when you're interested in someone enough to let him get through your shield. Because of that, my heart has become a locked closet which can hardly be opened again. Because of that, I've always supposed that nobody - ok, no guys - would care about me again. And because of all that, now I find it really strange and a little confusing when I've got a feeling that somebody is being interested in me in a special way.

That would be no problem if he has seen more of myself than just a cheerful, witty girl who can make anybody laugh out loud if she feels like it. I know it's nothing bad for a good first impression to expand my network or to help my business go smoothly, and I'm not meaning I purposely use it to take any advantages also. But you know, for a more personal relationship, I'm afraid that such presumption can lead to something, er, worse than any of us can expect once we get to know more about each other rather than just superficial things at first sight. I am, therefore, totally unsure whether he can stand the dark side of me as well as he's done the bright or not if I let him go any further.

According to a comical story about blood types, sometimes it's difficult to understand what A-type people are thinking, and I believe I'm not an exception. Many friends of mine said that my reactions to things, especially to bad stuff or people, were often unpredictable. My mood can swing like the line on a sine graph from time to time and in my experience, it needs extraordinary amounts of patience, magnanimity as well as understanding to accept me as who I really am. And also in my experience, very very few guys could do that since I was born (T_T) - my dad, my little brother and my closest boy friend are the best and bravest ones at this so far, I think.

Of course I utterly am happy to enjoy this kind of feeling that somebody is having about me. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to step out my locked closet at the moment. Still, I am so much afraid of having to get back to it if things go wrong again.

Don't go...

I never thought that that I would possibly leave this country someday for a few years could change anything in this world. I just thought of myself, how I would feel and imagined a magnificent future when my dreams came true.

But never did I expected that I could ever feel this way when you said you might go away. It just hurt me more than I'd thought.

Am I too selfish?

Electricity - feel the vibe in your heart

**I haven't listened to the song for a while, but as always, it just gives me goose-bumps and can move me to tears very easily. The lyrics, the melody, the dance, they're just perfectly incorporated. Only one word to say: Brilliant!

It feels so weird

Holidays and I've got a headache again, literally (@_@) Feeling like exploding.

I've been thinking too much these days but it all goes nowhere. I'm struggling so hard to shove this kind of feeling away. It's actually not bad - the feeling, I mean - but makes me feel uneasy at the same time. I hate it when my emotions begin to get out of MY control. Geezz...

[Artwork from "Basara" by Tamura Yumi - my most favorite manga ever]

I need some rest

Tired to death. Can't even think properly anymore.

Notes

June 20 - 2 months to go
Sept 16 - 3 months to go
Nov 20 - 2 months to go

Things to prepare (quantity/estimation for each):
- SoP: 4
- Misc essays: 4
- Ref letters: 12
- Transcripts: 4
- Prof.: 8
- Emails: countless
- TOEFL: 1
- GRE: 1
- Money: lots
- Time: very little
- Ability: depends
- Probability: med-low
- Expectation: super high

--> FAQ:
Tired?  
- Yes, of course.
Quit?
- No.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

Making them leave this world all of a sudden like this? Why did you want to take them from me this way, Heaven? My dear grandpa, then my cheerful friend. Just a phone call to tell me "He's gone"? Not only once but twice. Are you kidding me? Gosh, you think my heart is made of iron? And even iron can be shaped, how could you suppose I would be tough enough to get through all this without feeling a thing, without PAIN?

$#%&^%*&%^&^%#@$&$%^&(^(*^%#$#

HOLY CRAP!

What a day!

Today is our national holiday. Many people enjoyed the day to the fullest and so did I. I met my close friend who was on a business trip to my hometown and had so much fun with her. I met another close (perhaps, closest) friend later and together we watched a great movie at the cinema. We talked so much, we enjoyed everything so much and I had so a good day until I got home, had a shower, checked mails, read some pages of Harry Potter then tried to get some sleep earlier than usual, thinking that today was utterly perfect, and just when I was about to fall into my dreams, another close friend called me just to inform: "You know what, T. has died today".

I love these guys, seriously! (>.<)

[From "Cinderella's Sister" behind the scene - Credit as labeled]

Phewwwww.............

Finally, all work done. Officially head up to study ONLY. *dancing in happiness* :")

(Found this on Soompi. Credit as labelled)

So cute, eh? :D

It's pretty frustrating sometimes

It took me weeks to investigate more than 50 school websites in order to short list some suitable ones. A friend of mine once advised that I should simultaneously apply to several schools - by which she meant all "low ranked - med ranked - high ranked" ones - to higher my matriculation probability but it's kinda funny (or pity) that my desired program nearly fall into prestige schools only. What a nice choice I made, eh? (T_T) Mom said I might look around in some small schools to see if they provided the same program, but for God's sake, she should have remembered where she studied it. I also considered choosing a different program but then found it so hard to write a proper statement of purpose, proving what I'd done and would do with it. In short, my mind simply went blank if I got out of track - which is equal to "choosing a path which leads me to where-I-don't-know", instead of firmly sticking to ONE decision as usual. 

The hurdle is much more difficult this time. I wouldn't compete with a few thousand people in this small country, I would have to compete with the world. It's big, it's magnificent, it's enchanting, but it's cruel and always willing to slap me on the face. But again, just as the highschool days, I have no vision of any failure 'cos I don't ever think of it.  Still, however, I'm afraid. I really am very scared. I'm not scared of being failed, but of myself, instead, afraid that I can't overcome my own bad habits and negative character traits. I don't mean to wait for the apples to fall in my lap but if I try hard enough this time, will I be blessed again?

[So adorable, eh? *^_^* - www.wallcoo.com]

Updates

Again, my mind is being crushed trying to think about what to write in a refusal email. Refusing an invitation after such a load of questions (and emails back and forth) and answers exchanged makes me feel so guilty. Oh well, in case you're getting confused of what I'm talking about, the thing is that I've officially decided to drop the internship in Japan. Some may say it's such a wonderful opportunity to polish my CV/application for graduate study. I got that, but just in case the job is any bit relevant to the course or it lasts long enough to leave any valuable experience. After chewing all the pros and cons over for a while, I believe my parents will also side with me on my choice.

Some incidents which have happened recently during my study also helped firm up my decision. Last night, I spent some time doing a sample GRE test on Verbal and Quantity to see how far I'd gone, and the result just made me speechless and stunned - in their negative meanings. 700 for Quantity (what a GREAT result , eh? >"<) and ONLY 310 for Verbal (this subsequently turned me into a genuine idiot officially!). Holy craps! How can I manage to get in my dream school with such a shameful result like that? If I insist in pursuing the internship, I'm pretty sure you'll see me bang my head against a wall till death out of frustration, self-loathing and this blog will become a very place for moaning and crappy rambling for the rest of my life. Before doing the sample test, I'd tried writing my first statement of purpose for the course I like best, but upon seeing some of my friends' reactions after proof-reading it, I was glad I hadn't sent it to many to earn more shame for myself. If you could see the "small mountain" of books and documents I had (and planned) to read to get some ideas for new statements, I doubt you would encourage me to go anywhere away from home during this time.

P/S: To my friends, namely (in order of age) butterball, tinysun, Thao (Kitty) and Hong Anh (LC), I know how lucky I am to have you as my friends (on and off-line) and please feel free to beat me up if I ever do anything upsetting you or disgracing myself in every way (^_^)

(Muka Muka Paradise - my all-time favorite anime)

Study and stuff

I've been focusing on my study these days. It feels much better and refreshing than I thought. At least, having something serious (and important) to do can distract me from stupid, dull thoughts stirring in my mind from time to time. It's always great to see how your effort can make progress, which proves that your brain isn't a complete waste yet. 

It hasn't been finalized about to which school I should apply but I've already made my decision on what I wanna learn. Just 1 year ago, I never thought one day I would want to follow my mother's steps like this. Seems like she's never been wrong about her vision of my future. Preparation for the application thing is going quite well, though there are still lots of things I have to do. When you have only 5 months for 3 statements of purpose and 3 reference letters (to be multiplied into 3 sets) to write, 2 tests of English to take (which costs you a LOT of money), 1 graduation exam with 2 major subjects awaiting and lots of other tiny-but-mandatory stuff to do, you'll see why I tend to go crazy more often lately.

Anyway, this time "giving up" isn't allowed in my dictionary. Please wish me luck, pals! :)

#@%$#%^%&%#

Forget it, forget it, forget it!

Just a bunch of craps.

Should be tossed into trash bin.

$^%&#$%#@$@$@#%%%#$$!@

Ookina furudokei - by Hirai Ken

 大きな古時計

おおきなのっぽの古時計
おじいさんの時計
百年　いつも動いていた
ご自慢の時計さ
おじいさんの　生まれた朝に
買ってきた時計さ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

百年　休まずに
チク　タク　チク　タク
おじいさんと　いっしょに
チク　タク　チク　タク
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

何でも知ってる　古時計
おじいさんの時計
きれいな花嫁やってきた
その日も動いてた
うれしいことも　悲しいことも
みな知ってる　時計さ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

うれしいことも　悲しいことも
みな知ってる　時計さ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

真夜中に　ベルがなった
おじいさんの　時計
お別れのときがきたのを
みなにおしえたのさ
天国へのぼる　おじいさん
時計とも　お別れ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

百年　休まずに
チク　タク　チク　タク
おじいさんと　いっしょに
チク　タク　チク　タク
いまは　もう動かない　その時計
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

Translation:

My Grandfather's Big Clock

My grandfather's clock
Was a big and tall old clock
For one hundred years it always rang
A clock you could boast about
It was bought
On the morning that my grandfather was born
Now, that clock no longer rings

For one hundred years, without a break
Tick tock, tick tock
Just like my grandfather
Tick tock, tick tock
Now, that clock no longer rings

That old clock knows everything
My grandfather's clock
Rang on the day
That he got a beautiful bride
During the happy times and the sad times
Everyone knew that clock
Now, that clock no longer rings

During the happy times and the sad times
Everyone knew that clock
Now, that clock no longer rings

At midnight
My grandfather's clock rang
The time to say farewell had come
It told everyone
Rising to heaven, my grandfather
Said farewell to the clock
Now, that clock no longer rings

For one hundred years, without a break
Tick tock, tick tock
Just like my grandfather
Tick tock, tick tock
Now, that clock no longer rings
Now, that clock no longer rings

**It's been years since I last listened to this song. It came to me by mere accident tonight as I was looking around in my youtube's update list. The melody brought me back to my (nearly) very first days in university, when I was still so in love with what I got from school, including Japanese which charmed me the most of all at the time. I was so in love with my life as well as people around me, and my mind was filled with so many dreams and expectations. My heart was so pure and I could love anybody with all I have without any hesitations. I used to be so "full". To tell the truth, I really felt my tears welling up as my ears caught such a familiar melody tonight, like meeting an old friend after a long long time of parting, or meeting someone so dear having got lost and now coming back to me. The flow of emotions as well as old feelings and memories suddenly rushed back all at once and filled me up again. The old things - they still haven't gone and perhaps never will, I guess.

Break Away - by Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jetplane, far away
And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, gotta
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Breakaway
Breakaway...

**This is one of my favorite songs ever. It takes the words right out of my mouth, speaking out loud what I've always thought and wanted. Just simple feelings and desires by young, dreaming, curious and ambitious people like me, who want to break free and fly high away when the time comes. Maybe because right now I'm just in the mood, I feel the song, its melody and lyrics flowing so smooth in my mind, a mind that is waiting for its time to break away.