Reika's little room

Just venting some spleen out

2011-06-27T10:49:00.002+07:00

I've been reading lots of Chinese romance novels recently. It's sorta like consoling myself.

The worst thing is that I've always had to try my best to calm myself down each time my grandma and other relatives of mine whisper about my employment status behind my back recently. Sometimes they even make me feel that I am being insulted. I swear at the so-called face to which they hold on to live. I swear at their ignorance, at their selfishness, at their greediness. And has anyone told them that they've been being unconsciously heartless to me?

Too much work is wearing me out. Ironically, those who have been helping me a lot are neither my parents nor any blood-related persons but my Sousuke, my lovely staffs and my friends. Strangely enough, it seems I wasn't born to live with my current family in harmony. No matter how hard I try, they seem to have forgotten how to listen and get what I really want for my life. Yah yah, I know that this is not new anymore, that it can't be any more boring, bla bla... But can you tell me how I can fix things up? I'm already in complete frustration now.

*sighs* Hope miracles will happen soon. And, well, I miss you, my Sousuke. Wish you could hold me right now. I really need a big warm hug.

I'm back ^^

2011-06-25T19:31:00.000+07:00

I've been a very looooooong time since I last wrote anything in here. Thank God that it's not completely forgotten. Someone (well, my lovely Butterball, actually :P) reminded me of my writings a few days ago and I think she meant this place of mine. I've got 3 official blogs in total, two in English and one in Vietnamese. 2 for rambling and 1 for my short (and absurd) "short stories". And I think it's time I brought this one back.

Actually before writing this entry, I've deleted a couple old ones which I suppose shouldn't be kept. They were things I'd better forget, and I don't want anybody else to know them, either. You won't blame me, will you? *kidding* ^^

Sometimes I feel it kinda more comfortable expressing my thoughts in English than doing it in Vietnamese, and that's why I still have the habit of writing all my personal documents in English at work. By the way, for your update, I've been doing quite good with my life these days and my current job as a teacher is going pretty well. It provides me with a lot of time for leisure activities, but still helps me earn enough money to have some savings. Of course there are still obstacles, but challenges always make things more interesting, don't they? ^^ To a certain extent, I think I'm sorta pleased with my life now and what I need now is just a little bit more time and strength to make my dreams come true :)

Anyway, I'm back. And welcome back to my little room, my dear friends! *hearts*

Thank you

2010-06-02T16:59:00.001+07:00

... for your appearance in my life
... for letting me know that I'm still alive
... for giving me endless thoughts about someone
... for teaching me what it is to trust again
... for taking me to this world again
... for all the nice memories we had together
... for the stories you shared with me each day
... for all you've done for me
... for the faster beats of my heart each time I see you
... for the fragrant I wouldn't forget
... for all the ups and downs in my heart that you never know
... for all the laughter you gave me
... for your kindness which I found so strange
... for your promises and I know you would keep them all
... for giving me vivid dreams about an unknown future of us two
... for sharing with me some of the happiest days of my life so far
... and for giving me courage to give you up

I was really happy those days, you know.

Life is funny, sometimes

2010-05-10T17:30:00.002+07:00

It feels kinda strange after a while not particularly liking anybody - oh, well, any guys, actually. The last time I found myself in a relationship was more than 3 years ago. It's not so long but because of all the pain it left me, I've almost forgot what it feels like when you're interested in someone enough to let him get through your shield. Because of that, my heart has become a locked closet which can hardly be opened again. Because of that, I've always supposed that nobody - ok, no guys - would care about me again. And because of all that, now I find it really strange and a little confusing when I've got a feeling that somebody is being interested in me in a special way.

That would be no problem if he has seen more of myself than just a cheerful, witty girl who can make anybody laugh out loud if she feels like it. I know it's nothing bad for a good first impression to expand my network or to help my business go smoothly, and I'm not meaning I purposely use it to take any advantages also. But you know, for a more personal relationship, I'm afraid that such presumption can lead to something, er, worse than any of us can expect once we get to know more about each other rather than just superficial things at first sight. I am, therefore, totally unsure whether he can stand the dark side of me as well as he's done the bright or not if I let him go any further.

According to a comical story about blood types, sometimes it's difficult to understand what A-type people are thinking, and I believe I'm not an exception. Many friends of mine said that my reactions to things, especially to bad stuff or people, were often unpredictable. My mood can swing like the line on a sine graph from time to time and in my experience, it needs extraordinary amounts of patience, magnanimity as well as understanding to accept me as who I really am. And also in my experience, very very few guys could do that since I was born (T_T) - my dad, my little brother and my closest boy friend are the best and bravest ones at this so far, I think.

Of course I utterly am happy to enjoy this kind of feeling that somebody is having about me. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to step out my locked closet at the moment. Still, I am so much afraid of having to get back to it if things go wrong again.

Don't go...

2010-05-09T23:47:00.001+07:00

I never thought that that I would possibly leave this country someday for a few years could change anything in this world. I just thought of myself, how I would feel and imagined a magnificent future when my dreams came true.

But never did I expected that I could ever feel this way when you said you might go away. It just hurt me more than I'd thought.

Am I too selfish?

Electricity - feel the vibe in your heart

2010-05-05T18:39:00.008+07:00

**I haven't listened to the song for a while, but as always, it just gives me goose-bumps and can move me to tears very easily. The lyrics, the melody, the dance, they're just perfectly incorporated. Only one word to say: Brilliant!

It feels so weird

2010-04-30T12:55:00.002+07:00

Holidays and I've got a headache again, literally (@_@) Feeling like exploding.

I've been thinking too much these days but it all goes nowhere. I'm struggling so hard to shove this kind of feeling away. It's actually not bad - the feeling, I mean - but makes me feel uneasy at the same time. I hate it when my emotions begin to get out of MY control. Geezz...

[Artwork from "Basara" by Tamura Yumi - my most favorite manga ever]

I need some rest

2010-04-29T16:27:00.000+07:00

Tired to death. Can't even think properly anymore.

Notes

2010-04-25T12:39:00.000+07:00

June 20 - 2 months to go
Sept 16 - 3 months to go
Nov 20 - 2 months to go

Things to prepare (quantity/estimation for each):
- SoP: 4
- Misc essays: 4
- Ref letters: 12
- Transcripts: 4
- Prof.: 8
- Emails: countless
- TOEFL: 1
- GRE: 1
- Money: lots
- Time: very little
- Ability: depends
- Probability: med-low
- Expectation: super high

--> FAQ:
Tired?
- Yes, of course.
Quit?
- No.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

2010-04-23T22:38:00.000+07:00

Making them leave this world all of a sudden like this? Why did you want to take them from me this way, Heaven? My dear grandpa, then my cheerful friend. Just a phone call to tell me "He's gone"? Not only once but twice. Are you kidding me? Gosh, you think my heart is made of iron? And even iron can be shaped, how could you suppose I would be tough enough to get through all this without feeling a thing, without PAIN?

$#%&^%*&%^&^%#@$&$%^&(^(*^%#$#

HOLY CRAP!

What a day!

2010-04-23T20:35:00.002+07:00

Today is our national holiday. Many people enjoyed the day to the fullest and so did I. I met my close friend who was on a business trip to my hometown and had so much fun with her. I met another close (perhaps, closest) friend later and together we watched a great movie at the cinema. We talked so much, we enjoyed everything so much and I had so a good day until I got home, had a shower, checked mails, read some pages of Harry Potter then tried to get some sleep earlier than usual, thinking that today was utterly perfect, and just when I was about to fall into my dreams, another close friend called me just to inform: "You know what, T. has died today".

I love these guys, seriously! (>.<)

2010-04-21T20:09:00.000+07:00

[From "Cinderella's Sister" behind the scene - Credit as labeled]

Phewwwww.............

2010-04-13T21:27:00.000+07:00

Finally, all work done. Officially head up to study ONLY. *dancing in happiness* :")

(Found this on Soompi. Credit as labelled)

So cute, eh? :D

It's pretty frustrating sometimes

2010-04-08T09:29:00.001+07:00

It took me weeks to investigate more than 50 school websites in order to short list some suitable ones. A friend of mine once advised that I should simultaneously apply to several schools - by which she meant all "low ranked - med ranked - high ranked" ones - to higher my matriculation probability but it's kinda funny (or pity) that my desired program nearly fall into prestige schools only. What a nice choice I made, eh? (T_T) Mom said I might look around in some small schools to see if they provided the same program, but for God's sake, she should have remembered where she studied it. I also considered choosing a different program but then found it so hard to write a proper statement of purpose, proving what I'd done and would do with it. In short, my mind simply went blank if I got out of track - which is equal to "choosing a path which leads me to where-I-don't-know", instead of firmly sticking to ONE decision as usual.

The hurdle is much more difficult this time. I wouldn't compete with a few thousand people in this small country, I would have to compete with the world. It's big, it's magnificent, it's enchanting, but it's cruel and always willing to slap me on the face. But again, just as the highschool days, I have no vision of any failure 'cos I don't ever think of it. Still, however, I'm afraid. I really am very scared. I'm not scared of being failed, but of myself, instead, afraid that I can't overcome my own bad habits and negative character traits. I don't mean to wait for the apples to fall in my lap but if I try hard enough this time, will I be blessed again?

[So adorable, eh? *^_^* - www.wallcoo.com]

Updates

2010-03-30T09:56:00.012+07:00

Again, my mind is being crushed trying to think about what to write in a refusal email. Refusing an invitation after such a load of questions (and emails back and forth) and answers exchanged makes me feel so guilty. Oh well, in case you're getting confused of what I'm talking about, the thing is that I've officially decided to drop the internship in Japan. Some may say it's such a wonderful opportunity to polish my CV/application for graduate study. I got that, but just in case the job is any bit relevant to the course or it lasts long enough to leave any valuable experience. After chewing all the pros and cons over for a while, I believe my parents will also side with me on my choice.

Some incidents which have happened recently during my study also helped firm up my decision. Last night, I spent some time doing a sample GRE test on Verbal and Quantity to see how far I'd gone, and the result just made me speechless and stunned - in their negative meanings. 700 for Quantity (what a GREAT result , eh? >"<) and ONLY 310 for Verbal (this subsequently turned me into a genuine idiot officially!). Holy craps! How can I manage to get in my dream school with such a shameful result like that? If I insist in pursuing the internship, I'm pretty sure you'll see me bang my head against a wall till death out of frustration, self-loathing and this blog will become a very place for moaning and crappy rambling for the rest of my life. Before doing the sample test, I'd tried writing my first statement of purpose for the course I like best, but upon seeing some of my friends' reactions after proof-reading it, I was glad I hadn't sent it to many to earn more shame for myself. If you could see the "small mountain" of books and documents I had (and planned) to read to get some ideas for new statements, I doubt you would encourage me to go anywhere away from home during this time.

P/S: To my friends, namely (in order of age) butterball, tinysun, Thao (Kitty) and Hong Anh (LC), I know how lucky I am to have you as my friends (on and off-line) and please feel free to beat me up if I ever do anything upsetting you or disgracing myself in every way (^_^)

(Muka Muka Paradise - my all-time favorite anime)

Study and stuff

2010-03-25T22:27:00.003+07:00

I've been focusing on my study these days. It feels much better and refreshing than I thought. At least, having something serious (and important) to do can distract me from stupid, dull thoughts stirring in my mind from time to time. It's always great to see how your effort can make progress, which proves that your brain isn't a complete waste yet.

It hasn't been finalized about to which school I should apply but I've already made my decision on what I wanna learn. Just 1 year ago, I never thought one day I would want to follow my mother's steps like this. Seems like she's never been wrong about her vision of my future. Preparation for the application thing is going quite well, though there are still lots of things I have to do. When you have only 5 months for 3 statements of purpose and 3 reference letters (to be multiplied into 3 sets) to write, 2 tests of English to take (which costs you a LOT of money), 1 graduation exam with 2 major subjects awaiting and lots of other tiny-but-mandatory stuff to do, you'll see why I tend to go crazy more often lately.

Anyway, this time "giving up" isn't allowed in my dictionary. Please wish me luck, pals! :)

#@%$#%^%&%#

2010-03-22T22:36:00.000+07:00

Forget it, forget it, forget it!

Just a bunch of craps.

Should be tossed into trash bin.

$^%&#$%#@$@$@#%%%#$$!@

Ookina furudokei - by Hirai Ken

2010-03-17T22:29:00.005+07:00

大きな古時計

おおきなのっぽの古時計
おじいさんの時計
百年　いつも動いていた
ご自慢の時計さ
おじいさんの　生まれた朝に
買ってきた時計さ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

百年　休まずに
チク　タク　チク　タク
おじいさんと　いっしょに
チク　タク　チク　タク
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

何でも知ってる　古時計
おじいさんの時計
きれいな花嫁やってきた
その日も動いてた
うれしいことも　悲しいことも
みな知ってる　時計さ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

うれしいことも　悲しいことも
みな知ってる　時計さ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

真夜中に　ベルがなった
おじいさんの　時計
お別れのときがきたのを
みなにおしえたのさ
天国へのぼる　おじいさん
時計とも　お別れ
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

百年　休まずに
チク　タク　チク　タク
おじいさんと　いっしょに
チク　タク　チク　タク
いまは　もう動かない　その時計
いまは　もう動かない　その時計

Translation:

My Grandfather's Big Clock

My grandfather's clock
Was a big and tall old clock
For one hundred years it always rang
A clock you could boast about
It was bought
On the morning that my grandfather was born
Now, that clock no longer rings

For one hundred years, without a break
Tick tock, tick tock
Just like my grandfather
Tick tock, tick tock
Now, that clock no longer rings

That old clock knows everything
My grandfather's clock
Rang on the day
That he got a beautiful bride
During the happy times and the sad times
Everyone knew that clock
Now, that clock no longer rings

During the happy times and the sad times
Everyone knew that clock
Now, that clock no longer rings

At midnight
My grandfather's clock rang
The time to say farewell had come
It told everyone
Rising to heaven, my grandfather
Said farewell to the clock
Now, that clock no longer rings

For one hundred years, without a break
Tick tock, tick tock
Just like my grandfather
Tick tock, tick tock
Now, that clock no longer rings
Now, that clock no longer rings

**It's been years since I last listened to this song. It came to me by mere accident tonight as I was looking around in my youtube's update list. The melody brought me back to my (nearly) very first days in university, when I was still so in love with what I got from school, including Japanese which charmed me the most of all at the time. I was so in love with my life as well as people around me, and my mind was filled with so many dreams and expectations. My heart was so pure and I could love anybody with all I have without any hesitations. I used to be so "full". To tell the truth, I really felt my tears welling up as my ears caught such a familiar melody tonight, like meeting an old friend after a long long time of parting, or meeting someone so dear having got lost and now coming back to me. The flow of emotions as well as old feelings and memories suddenly rushed back all at once and filled me up again. The old things - they still haven't gone and perhaps never will, I guess.

Break Away - by Kelly Clarkson

2010-03-16T14:28:00.001+07:00

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jetplane, far away
And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, gotta
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Breakaway
Breakaway...

**This is one of my favorite songs ever. It takes the words right out of my mouth, speaking out loud what I've always thought and wanted. Just simple feelings and desires by young, dreaming, curious and ambitious people like me, who want to break free and fly high away when the time comes. Maybe because right now I'm just in the mood, I feel the song, its melody and lyrics flowing so smooth in my mind, a mind that is waiting for its time to break away.

Things I must complete this year

2010-03-15T14:37:00.004+07:00

For my study:

1. Graduation (with high final scores).

2. Taking GRE (with a satisfying result, of course).

3. Retaking TOEFL (probably. My current result is still good enough, actually).

4. Successfully applying to Brown Uni (don't know why I felt so comfortable each time visiting this school's website).

5. Getting a scholarship for my graduate study (the most challenging goal, indeed, but not impossible if I can do the first 3 things above well).

I used to "moan" in one of my previous posts that I might apply for a master course in Kyoto Uni or whatever school in Japan upon my mom's wish. But after some deadly fighting with Japanese language, I've become so unsure about my ability to take anymore of it. It, Japanese, was one of the most horrible choices I ever made in my life (I'm not meaning to "moan" again, actually), so if I could find a way to escape from its trap, why wouldn't I?

Ok. Now the goals are set and it's time to get on board. They say this year is my year, so why don't I just take advantage of it, right? Fighting! :)

[Princess Diaries 1 & 2 - I so enjoy this series. It really lit up my days.]

Time waits for no one

2010-03-14T09:14:00.001+07:00

[Images from the anime "The Girl Who Leaps Through Time" - recommended by my friend, lovely butterball. She utterly knows how to get me back on my track :( ]

Honestly, this anime left me so much more afterthoughts and feelings than I'd expected. Its story kept lingering in my mind during this weekend and eventually, that lead me to the feeling that if I didn't write down anything to take it out, I would go crazy with such a load of jammed emotions packed inside my head. I really don't know where to start nor what I should write about the movie, but if you're curious enough to care what's haunting me, just Google it - the film's title, I mean - take some time to enjoy and then you'll see why, I hope.

Anyway, thank you for such an excellent recommendation as usual, my friend :)

My neighbor, Totoro

2010-03-08T13:02:00.003+07:00

When your soul is pure, magic can happen...

This classic, amazing anime reminds me of how wonderful it is to have a place to call home. And childhood definitely is one of the best moments in one's life, let alone spending it in such a breathtaking-ly beautiful place like this village.

A masterpiece created with deepest love and understanding. Here it is :)

Let's start from here

2010-03-08T09:46:00.001+07:00

As mentioned in my previous post, I was quite confused of what to do with the internship application due to my fear of failure. But I decided to give it a try after all. Anyway, we never can know how the road would be if we don't take any steps to join it. The person in charge of recruitment wants to talk with me on phone to test my language ability. This is a mandatory step and also what I fear the most in the process. The training during the internship is conducted in English, I guess, but the problem is that because most Japanese speaks English horribly, they usually demand all trainees to be able communicate WELL in Japanese. Oh gosh, how I am supposed to survive when the test is set to take place by the end of MARCH? (T_T)

Can I do that?

2010-03-04T21:20:00.003+07:00

There is an international internship invitation coming up in my inbox today. Well, to be more specific, it's from Japan. The internship sounds really really interesting, and on top of that, it's about banking, in which I've already got some work experience. But the only and also the biggest problem is that I know my Japanese currently isn't qualified for it at all. However, the internship starts in Sept, which means I have 6 months for the language preparation if my application is successful. It's not very long, indeed, but if I try hard enough, I believe I can make a break through (like I did to my English in the past). However, I don't know if they're patient enough to wait for me then?

Now I've fully got what it means when people say: you cannot take any opportunities if you're not prepared for them.

Never did I feel so stupid like this before!

What if

2010-02-27T21:57:00.012+07:00

- What if tomorrow I die?

- Oh, please. It's not a good joke.

------------------------------

* Lana

From time to time, I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I get confused. The future is so unclear that I feel like it's turning into a swamp full of mud waiting for me to trip in. I don't even know what I really want to do nor where I want to get. Mom and Dad would always love to see me going this or that way, collecting fame and glory for myself as well as for them. I know they love me but the way they express it makes me seriously suffocated now and then. I'm choked, thus, unable to cry. I wish I could tell them what I was thinking. I wish they would hold back their so-called "mature words" to listen to me, wholeheartedly without any judgments. They have never done that and I know they won't ever. It's just a wish, anyway.

I don't know if I truly love him. Or love him enough. We've been together for almost ten years. Pretty long for a relationship, enough for us to know what kind of person either of us is, what we like and dislike. I'm used to having him by my side almost all the time. He's always there whenever I need someone to lean on, to stay with me in silence, to hold me gently. He's warm, literally and figuratively, and he's everything a woman should need for her life. He's been always there and never a second do I think of him disappearing from my world. On the contrary, it's always me who keeps pondering over the possibility of myself vanishing out of his world. That kind of selfish thought leaves me the question above: whether I love him enough? I can't imagine how he might react nor what he would say. Would he feel hurt or angry? Would he hate me then? I don't know. But the truth is, not only once did I think of leaving him, leaving this world, our world.

Today once again mom and dad blamed me for not achieving what they wanted me to. I got an email from an old friend. She was boasting about her success overseas, and of course not forgetting to ask how I was doing. How I am doing? A chick getting lost deep in an imaginary forest. A chick that doesn't want to smile but people keep forcing it to fake as many as possible. A chick that is sick of its life.

He's the only reason that keeps me alive, but when things get to hard, I can't bring myself to think of him as a medicine for life. I don't have many choices to make, either. Staying with him or trying to find an escape, both ways lead to so much heartbreak, no matter to whom they do. Neither can I put them on a scale to consider any pros and cons. Well, then should I ask him before hand?

* Charles

It hurt when she uttered that question. I know she wasn't joking. She just couldn't hold it back anymore. I've always prepared myself against anything that may come but for the first time of my life, listening to her question with my ears made me truly scared. I'm scared of time. I'm scared it will take her away when she's no longer able to stand this world. I'm scared I will be left all alone in this empty place.

She was born into a famed and ambitious family, which has trained her to become a competitive person in anything. She can't let herself be defeated because she isn't allowed to. She always appears to be cold and arrogant, but only God (and me) knows that so many unspoken familial tragedies have frozen her heart and made it close tightly like an vacuum-packed bag. People found it strange as since the first time we had chance to talk with each other, I'd become closer and closer to her, like being pulled with an irresistible force, until one day we walked down together hand in hand. They've stopped talking about us for long but I've never stopped loving her. More than anyone, I know she's the one who needs to be protected and I want myself to be the one who does it for her entire life.

She seldom smiles but also never does she get mad at me. Unlike many guys who love to see their lovers smiling, I just want her to do whatever she wants with me, even though that means I don't have many opportunities to enjoy her radiant smiles which never fail to capture my heart. I love to see her true self. She once said I was the only one with whom she could be who she is, that she loved me enough to never be able to get mad at me, and because she loved me, she didn't want to fake anything like she had to at home or at work. I've always known that once she says anything, she really means it. And that's how she saves me from this damn affected world where people all put on flamboyant masks to get something from others.

She's been acting quite strange lately. She talks less (although she never was talkative type). Many times she seems drowned in silence, and her mind is lost to somewhere I cannot reach. Many times it feels like she wants to cry as her lips tighten and her shoulders slightly tremble, but her face always is dried after all. There are times she suddenly holds my hand tighter than usual, as if she wanted me to grab her back from something. If you ask me what shape frustration is, it's my eyes when I look at her getting lost away from my/our world, it's my heart when I just want to embrace all her pains, it's my hands when I want to hold hers in mine forever. I just want to keep her in a safe and peaceful place but I can't and neither will she let me. So eventually, anyone can tell me what I can do for her?

* Lana

Finally, I asked it out. I couldn't bring myself to look at his face. I was afraid. I was afraid of seeing him hurt. I was afraid of feeling myself hurt.

"It's not a good joke". I know it's not. Not a good joke at all for these two delicate souls. He could have got really really mad at me for saying such nonsense. How long have we gone to get this far? How much has he done for me? Don't I understand how much I mean to him? Could I be that selfish, evil-hearted? How could I utter this kind of stupid question?

But... what if I wasn't joking...

* Charles

Would she take me with her, then...?

Julie & Julia

2010-02-26T16:34:00.003+07:00

If you have ever watched this movie, don't ask me why I've been a HUGE fan of Meryl Streep since the very first film of hers felt into my hands. She's just simply stunning! An acting with so much charm and wisdom. I've just finished watching the movie this noon and now I think I can partly understand how it feels when, as a friend of mine used to say, you cook for someone you love. And a small happy note: I didn't realize I already had the book in my e-book stock until I watched the movie and began to search for it around :D I've just scanned through the first pages and I should say Julie really didn't go overboard when she said it felt like Julia was with her in the kitchen. All the narration as well as instructions was written on such a friendly tone that it can make you want to jump right into your kitchen with the book in hand to make a start, forgetting that you are to cook FRENCH, something (supposed to be) luxurious, fabulous and of course, not easy at all. But that doesn't mean we can't give it a try, eh?

Ponyo On The Cliff By The Sea

2010-02-25T17:15:00.003+07:00

Way way wayyyyyyy tooooooooo cute! This is definitely one of my most favorite animes. The story, the color, the music, everything is just so nice that I can't keep track how many times I've watched this anime again and again. This is just a simple story about how love should be, between people in a community, between husband and wife, between parents and children, between brothers and sisters, between people who are destined to love each other. Can't describe how cute it is when Ponyo talks about her mother, who is the Goddess of the Sea: "tottemo kowai" (very scary) - to which Sosuke adds "Lisa mitai da" (sounds like Lisa, my mother) - but her feelings for mom is "Okaasan daiiiiiiiiiisuki!" (I loveeeeee her!) I dare to say that this anime should be on your must-watch list, if your heart still has room for fairytales!

Listen to a song, listen to a heart

2010-02-25T11:30:00.004+07:00

These days I've been listening "Painted Heart" by Zhao Wei over and over again. Even though it's supposed to be a sad song, don't know why I kind of feel... good listening it to it. I like Zhao Wei's voice in this song, through which I can feel not only the loneliness of the woman in its lyrics but also that of the singer. And it, in a way, is on the same note of my feelings. Guess I'm not in a good mood? No. It's not anything close to sadness, not at all. It's just that I think I can relate myself to what is sung like the softest whispers in the wind, to the silent frustration of the woman over her love. On a positive side, this kind of feeling is, to me, supposed to be good as it proves my heart is still alive and can be softly awaken some time.

Still, I haven't been able to talk with him again after the holidays. We are now back to our initial places, almost like strangers. From time to time, just like the man in the song, he's somehow mixed into the moonlight, where I can see but never be able to reach him. Other times, I feel him very close (more physically), as if I can touch him whenever I want but my mind keeps refusing to step ahead. I like his calm, quiet manner, although I fully am aware that underneath those expressions stay many things for me to explore. It's also because of the fact that all I ever know about him are just through my friend's story, our short conversations (were they long enough to be called "conversations"?) and mostly my intuition, I wonder if I'm just blowing things out of their portion, imagining everything like a fairytale, like a viewer to an untouchable exhibit in a museum. Since it's untouchable, it becomes more beautiful than it is in my eyes. Of course, he's not a thing. He's the person I think I like. He's the one with whom I wanna talk. And by some means, he could have been touchable if either of us wasn't the silent type. But at the moment, I know for sure that he's just a moonlight in my night sky...

Schedule to remember

2010-02-23T18:03:00.002+07:00

22/5 - 30/5: Graduation registration.

30/5: Answering questions about graduation.

20/6: Graduation exam.

Yahooooo! Have waited for this for so long :D Finally I'm reaching the end of such a long long and painful road with my @#$#$%#%@ school.

Painted Heart

2010-02-22T10:23:00.003+07:00

画心
(电影《画皮》主题歌曲)
作曲：藤原育郎作词：陈少琪

歌词:
看不穿是你失落的魂魄
猜不透是你瞳孔的颜色
一阵风一场梦
爱如(是)生命般(的)莫测
你的心到底被什么蛊惑
你的轮廓在黑夜之中淹没
看桃花开出怎样的结果
看着你抱着我目光似(比)月色寂寞
就让你在别人怀里快乐
爱着你像心跳难触摸
画着你画不出你的骨骼
记着你的脸色是我等你的执著
你是我一首唱不完的歌
*(我的心只愿为你而割舍)

Painted Heart
(Theme song of movie “Painted Skin”)
Lyrics: Chen Shaoqi
Artist: Vicki ZhaoWei

Lyrics:
Unable to see through your wandering spirit,
Unfathomable, the colour of your pupils
A passing wind, a waking dream
Like life, love remains undefined
Your heart, what confuses it so?
The outline of your body disappears into the night
I watch the cherry blossoms, waiting to see their blooms
I watch you, embracing me, your eyes lonelier than the moonlight
And I let you seek happiness in someone else’s arms
Loving you, untouchable like a heartbeat
Painting you, I cannot paint your skeleton
Remembering your expression, my reason to persist in waiting for you
You are mine, a song that I will never finish singing
*(My heart, only willing to be cut for you)

[Lyrics & Translation by Sevenses - http://sevenses.wordpress.com]

** I truly love this song. Even though I don't really understand the meaning, it still moves my deeply. There are two versions of it, one by Jane Zhang (official OST) and the other by the movie's lead actress, Vicky Zhao Wei. I don't know if it's because she's the main actress, thanks to which she can "feel" the lyrics better, I felt in love with Zhao Wei's version right at first sight, which I think conveys deeper emotions than Jane Zhang's. I'll write more about the song for sure...

Messy 2

2010-02-21T10:19:00.000+07:00

What is this kind of frustration?

What am I supposed to do now?

How long will it take?

What will I get after all?

Am I going... nowhere?

*sighssssss.............*

Just feel like writing

2010-02-20T21:32:00.004+07:00

The more I think about it, the more I trust my intuition. It truly is the most loyal and faithful assistant I've ever had. So why do I mention it all of a sudden? Well, the thing is: again, the guy I "like" sounds more interesting than just merely a nice personality. My friend said despite his quiet and gentle appearance, he has things in his mind which are not easy to be understood. Actually, he's more complicated than many friends of ours, and the fact is that I did really feel pleasant to hear that. My love record shows that I tend to be appealed by guys with complex minds and good sense of art, and this time it seems to be not an exception as well. Sometimes having an extraordinarily sensitive sixth sense isn't a bad thing, I think. It helps me recognize quite many interesting people around. To me, guys with talents and unreadable minds are like a kind of drug, can be dangerous but also very appealing that it's difficult to resist the urge to approach them. Actually I'm not the kind of girl who likes challenges or something in love, but don't know why those (boys, I mean) who merely stay in "nice/good" category and are supposed to be "safe" to be... husband almost never can catch my eyes, not to mention my heart. I also fully understand how risky it can be to be with those kinds of people but I can't also explain the invisible and irresistible force of gravity they have toward me. So, eventually are they worth the risk or am I just a fool? And, well... okay... guess I'm talking nonsense again. Aren't I?

It's so hard...

2010-02-20T07:20:00.003+07:00

...to lose lots of weight in just 3 months. I knew it wasn't gonna be any easy but it's becoming much more difficult than I expected. From time to time, I really hate my body for its natural chubby shape and hate it even more when people tend to enjoy making fun of it. I don't buy they have no idea how mean they are but somehow the so-called hearts may have been eaten away in those people. Some others look at me as if I've committed a sin for being a "fatty". Ok la, I know what and how I am but do they need to "help" me confirm it times and times again like that? What the...!

In order to achieve my target, I need to lose 8kg/month in 3 consecutive months. Not a small number, even to a model or actress who needs to lose weight for their career. I used to lose more in the past so I know it's not something I cannot do. But under so much pressure, it becomes quite uneasy. However, as I said, it's NOT impossible, either, once I really put my mind into it.

3 months, 24kg. Just think of it as another exam to the university when I could make it to stay in top 10 of my school after just 3 months of serious study. I'll let them see who I'm gonna be in another 3 months and shut their ugly mouths up. Just wait and see!

Is it hard to open up your heart again? Yes, it is, somehow.

2010-02-16T23:18:00.002+07:00

Shin-young: “I know why I’m always alone. I’m too selfish. I only know myself. The memory of being loved is growing so faint. Now, letting someone in my heart, revealing myself to someone, has become difficult for me. Because nobody loves me…in order to guard myself…maybe I let myself become selfish.”

(The Woman Who Stills Want To Marry - recap by girlfriday on dramabeans.com)

** Maybe that's why I think I'm gradually falling in love with the show each day. No exaggeration, no polishing, it's simply what you may feel when you find it so difficult to trust again, to give yourself a chance again. These days I find myself thinking a little bit more than usual about a guy. It's strange that he's someone about whom I hardly know and the only link between us so far is just our mutual friends. But it's also strange that just seeing him can make my feel good, something very tranquil inside. By any usual standards, no doubt he can easily be put into "good material" category. He's smart and about to graduate from a good school. His family's well-to-do enough to leave you no worries. He appears to be nice, gentle and on top of that, he's been the best friend of my best friend for years, which gives him credit for possibly a good person. Although we've merely KNOWN each other since last year, I know we, me and him, just really noticed one another since the second trip to the ancient town this year, which happened just 2 days ago. And more exactly, I noticed him as we first exchanged some words about a souvenir and he did me later on his first visit to my house (with some other friends) and I know what kind of impression I gave him at that moment. I'm not meaning to like him or something. It's not even close to that 'cause, as I said, we hardly know anything about each other. Just, well, I find it really interesting and surprising as there's a guy who can make me "think of" him at last. It's a kinda good feeling, anyway. And I really am happy to find out that me is still alive :D

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!

2010-02-14T09:54:00.000+07:00

This year, I really am feeling SOOOOOOOO MUCH HAPPY!

And I wish you the same 'cos I finally know how great it is to be surrounded with TRUE HAPPINESS!

Wide Awake - Emi Fujita

2010-02-06T21:40:00.001+07:00

The dawn breaks slowly in the east
As day defeats the night
The echo of your voice that greets
The feeble morning light
Is the only answer to my silent prayer
And the promises i never make
You are always with me - your always there
In my dreams - though i am wide awake

And sometimes a forbidden glance
Will give my heart away
The light that kindled our romance
May flicker through the gray
All the gold and silver at the rainbows end
All earthly goods - i'll forsake
For each shooting star - a wish i send
And i dream - though i am wide awake

You were the rolling tidal wave
That swept my barren shores
If you will let me share your day
My life's forever yours
I will never understand the reason why
We fail to learn from our mistakes
I will wait for you as the days go by
With my dream - though i am wide awake

*About the song:

This song was included in a CD my ex gave me a few years ago. From time to time, listening to this song makes me think of him - just "think of", not "miss". He's the only one whose heart has been broken by such a thoughtless, heartless and selfish me so far and I know for the rest of his life, never will he forgive me. But anyway, he really is a nice memory to keep with no trace of pain. Perhaps, we used to like each other so much in the past but the affection as well as our halfway maturity at the time wasn't enough to carry us any further.

Home

2010-02-06T11:48:00.001+07:00

It's better than I thought to be home again. Maybe because I've changed and so have my parents. At least, they no longer try to fit me into the "normal" category of girl who should be, as they suppose, sociable, friendly, clever, etc. The best thing is that they finally let me be who I am, a weird creature in many people's view. And the bestest thing is that, I realize how their love still remain the same through all those years, despite my failures and rebellion which brought shame to them.

For the very first time of my life, I really enjoy doing house chores for the sake of people I love and of my beloved home as well. I learn how to make cakes for my little brother and although I haven't got any real successes, he's still willing to be the most patient tester who gives me lots of encouragements. I feel my tears welling up as my dad wakes up at 5pm each day to prepare things for my morning exercise, afraid that I may catch a cold. I enjoy every single hug and kiss my mom gives me each time she's home as well as all the stuff she buys me to "spruce up" my look after a long time I've almost completely neglected it. She enjoys looking at my face and boasting to herself how gorgeous her daughter is. I know future is something that can't be foreseen and totally unpredictable to ordinary people like me, but still, I wish, together with my love, someday in the future we can show our kids what it is to be a true family bound with real love like my parents have been doing.

I'm a few years past twenty. Some friends at my age have got married already. I'm being single and I have no intention of holding that status for long in years to come. I, however, am not in any hurry to change it, either. But thinking of the matter of time, it, from time to time, makes me scared. The truth is the more ages I put on, the faster my parents grow older. I'm feeling it so clearly that imagining I may have to leave them again someday makes my future become so blur. I can't stop the flow of time nor turn it back, but I desperately want to stay with them a little bit longer, so anyone can tell me what I can do to make time slow down its steps?

Once you feel so nice being home, it's equally horrible to think of the day you may have to leave it.

Across the universe of time

2010-01-21T00:13:00.002+07:00

When the sea falls from the shore
As the light sinks low, will I see you any more?
As the rain falls from the sky
Can I bring you back, from a distant lullaby?

Show me your vision, the story begun
Two lights are rising and burning as one

In the deep blue of the night
Shine the millions of stars and my spirit burning bright
Spinning on, into the sun, flying higher
Now my journey's begun... And the...

Cold, cold wind, it blows me away
The feeling all over is a black, black day
But I know that I'll see you again
And I know that you're near me

There's a star, calling my name
It's echo is true and the song is not the same
Take my hand and lead me away
Bring me back to you in your arms I'm going to stay...

Tell me your vision, the story begun
Two lights are rising and burning as one

All those years drifting in space
I have known you well, yet I've never seen your face
You turn around, looking at me, laughter in your eyes
And now I can see

And the cold, cold wind, it blows me away
The feeling all over is a black, black day
But I know that I'll see you again
And I know that you're near me

Is love alive?

2010-01-12T04:08:00.007+07:00

- I can't give you this.

- Why not? I promised to find you another one later.

- You won't.

It'd been three days and he still failed to convince her. She kept rejecting him no matter how many times he'd begged or promised to trade anything for it.

- You don't believe me? - asked he.

- No - she answered coldly.

The determination in her attitude made him feel frustrated, but he couldn't give up. He'd found it after such a hard time lost in search so there was no way he would let it go at this point. At any cost, he had to have it, the tiny thing she was keeping in that little glass pot by the window. Seemed like it was the only thing that brought life to this house, where lived a girl who was famous for many strange things around her.

- Is there any thing I can do so that you'll agree to give me that thing? - asked him in patience.

- Tell me why you want it so badly? - giving a serious look in the eyes, she asked.

Although he'd anticipated she might ask him such kind of question, still he felt pretty uneasy when it came. It wasn't that he didn't want to answer, rather he didn't know where to begin nor how he should begin. The look of those clear eyes, however, kept him from avoiding the answers. They were so clear yet intense and persistent that thinking of making up a lie made him feel guilty. Looking down to his hands, one wrapping the other, laying on the round wooden table, he was struggling to find a right point to start.

Without a noise, she reached him with a glass of warm water, gently placing it in front of the strange man who was trying to take away her precious thing. She didn't say a word after the question, just patiently waiting for his answer. It was always difficult to guess what this woman could possibly be thinking based on her expression. Maybe many years of solidarity had frozen down her emotions.

He lifted his eyelids a little bit just to catch a glimpse of the water glass. He didn't drink but strangely it made the nervous side in him felt warmer bit by bit. Slowly he took a deep breath and began to move his lips, still not looking at the woman.

- It's for someone. - he murmured - She said it was important to her, as much as she was important to me.

He took a quick glance at the woman's face but her expression was all blank as if the introduction of his story was nothing special to her, even though it was about a girl, with whom he supposed she would be curious about his relationship. With no other choice than going on with what had been begun, he continued.

- She said if I could find it before the winter ended, she would marry me when spring came. It would be like an evidence of my love for her and she would treat it as a symbol of our destined love. You may assume she's an unreasonable girl with sour and scornful thoughts or crazy ideas, but actually she's not. Well... it's just... she has her own belief. So when she said it was important to her, I had no doubt about that. That's why I wanted to find it for her no matter what.

She woman was still sitting in silence. Her fingers were moving on the table, drawing some undefined shapes. She didn't look at him but he knew she was listening.

- What if you can't? - she asked suddenly, looking at him in the eyes.

- I'll wait for another winter. - he answered with no hesitation.

The door bell rang all of a sudden. A guest was coming in and he had to stop his conversation, which was also today's conversation. The woman owned a little coffee shop and even though it didn't serve many drinks, the shop was quite well-known in town for its unique taste of coffee and milk, flavored with cinnamon. The shop was decorated in brown and honey yellow, with all of its furniture made from wood and intentionally made to look old. There were many windows installed around so that even in winter, it was still bright inside without any lamps. People said with this shop's space and coffee, you could get through any harsh winter, and even the owner who seemed pretty reticent and strange, the way she looked at you could also warm up your heart.

Because of his promise to the girl, he'd spent many weeks and days looking for her desired thing. But it wasn't easy at all. In the middle of winter, everything was covered under a thick layer of snow. It was so cold that even time also felt like freezing. He dug deep into the snow for yards, trying to find a hint of what the girl wanted but every day passing by just left him disappointed and hopeless. He knew her demand was almost the same as finding a unicorn alive, but also, he couldn't resist it, his desire to make her happy. After days tolerating the cold in frustration searching for her version of "unicorn", he decided to take a break in that little coffee shop, and that was where astonishment stroke him when he found that thing in a small glass pot by the snow decorated window, shining in the dim sunlight.

He came back to the shop again to convince its owner. He didn't mean to take it for free, but the woman told him that even if he'd agreed to become her servant for free, she would never let it go.

- Don't you know that it's impossible to find it in winter? - asked the woman.

- I do.

- So why did you accept the challenge?

- I just want to make her happy.

- At any cost?

- Yes.

- Even if you may die?

The man found himself holding his cup of hot coffee tighter than usual, pressing both palms against the warm sides of the cup. He'd never thought of that. He knew winter would be very cold but even in his worst nightmare, that never was a possibility.

- I never thought of it. I don't think it can happen.

- Anything can happen in this world. I think you're risking yourself on a worthless thing. Don't you think your girl's demand is ridiculous?

- I don't. I guess it must mean so much to her so that she insisted of wanting me to find it in winter. She's never been an unreasonable person. So I believe she has her reason. But... - he paused - if it's just a worthless thing, why don't you agree to let me have it?

The man's question surely had hit some note in the woman. For half a second, her face expression changed from indifferent to stunned and awkward. But she quickly composed herself, leaving the man the bill and turned away.

The next day, still sitting at the same table, the man looked at the tiny thing in the pot more closely. Its vivid green stood out in the brown theme of the shop, and seemed like the white color of the window was also lending it some more light to shine. For a moment, he thought he could understand why these women would love it so much. In winter, it was the only thing that reminded people of the continuous life out there, or at least that was what he felt in this little space, where the tiny thing was enjoying some scarce sunlight of winter.

- It seems you haven't change your mind yet? - today he was the first to ask.

- Not at all. - she answered firmly.

- I don't know what else I can do... - he continued with a miserable facial gesture.

- Tell me what she means to you. - she demanded.

He found this an unexpectedly easy question to answer. Taking a sip of coffee, he began his story about how he'd met her several months ago, how bright her personality was, how he found it so comfortable talking with her about lots of stuff... The woman kept listening with an amusing face. Usually she never showed her true feelings about anything but something in this man made her feel different. She didn't really know whether it was his strong determination or strange honestly that impressed her, but she knew she wanted to get more about him.

- So you think you love her? - asked the woman after his long talk.

- If not love, what else could it be? - the man questioned in doubt.

Another day passed by and the man hadn't got what he wanted. "Give up", however, was a word that didn't exist in his dictionary. He kept dropping by the little shop everyday, asking the woman the same question about the little thing in the glass pot, hearing the same negative answer from her, but different stories and revelations were exchanged each time. He didn't recognized that the woman talked more than usual and himself, either. Sometimes they talked about love, or just about coffee, weather, few people around them and so on. He helped her with the orders now and then, thanks to which he could learned a lot about many kinds of coffee as well as how to enjoy them. He began to understand why people in town love this place so much, but not until the day winter ended, did he realize that coffee wasn't the only thing he loved in here.

Spring is coming soon and snow had started to melt. Along with that process of nature, his frustration was growing up to its peak. He knew today was his last chance before all of snow disappeared from the ground. In that small coffee shop, everything remained unchanged. The tiny thing was still staying in the little pot by the window and there was no hint that the woman had changed her mind. Today, he felt strangely sad. Just sad, not angry. He knew it was also very precious to her, so there was no reason for him to blame her in anger if she refused to give him the thing. If he couldn't get it from the woman within today, he might lose someone he loved and that, for sure, made him unhappy. But actually, it was not the only reason; yet he couldn't find out what the other is.

Seeing the sadness in his eyes, the woman didn't say anything. Today she made him a cup of hot coffee and milk flavored with cinnamon, not black coffee like usual. She said it would make him feel better for a long day. They didn't talk, just watching one another in silence. He took a last look at the tiny thing in the pot, casting his eyes around the brown-themed shop, its old furniture, the white window where there was hardly any snow left, and his eyes lingered a little bit more on the owner who was turning her back to him to do some cleaning. He didn't know how long it would take him to be here again if everything turned bad between him and his girl. That was why he thought he should see this place more closely before leaving. Noted that the cleaning thing would take the woman some time, he left money on the table, slowly walked to the door and prepared to leave without a word. Suddenly, he heard a noise and then someone gently pulled his sleeve. The woman flipped his hand, putting the little pot in it, and without letting him utter any words, she said:

- Take this and give it to your love. Don't say anything. I'm not in the mood for any "thank you" or "sorry". Just remember what I told you about love. Find the true one and never let it go.

The woman pushed the man out through the door and hurried back inside the shop. He was still stunned and speechless due to the woman's sudden grace. But excitement soon came up and won over, which drove him straight to his girl's house within minutes. No need to describe how happy and surprised the girl was as she saw what the man had brought. She asked him how he'd got it but without waiting for his full answer, she kissed him more passionately than ever and hurried him into a wedding plan in spring.

It'd been five days and our man had been quite busy with his wedding plan. Of course he was utterly happy because everything was going so smoothly for him, but still, something strange kept lingering in his heart which made him felt uneasy. Seeing how his fiancée treasuring the little thing, suddenly he remembered the woman's saying:

- Love is not what you can archive to prove something, rather it's how you go to the end for it, no matter you're successful or not.

Did his girl ever ask how he'd got through the icy winter to get the thing for her? Did she ever care what he'd done and what he'd had to cope with? Only the shop owner knew. The long walls in white of the girl's house as well as its well-pruned garden couldn't warm up his feelings even though snow had all melted away, leaving room for slippy roads and wet ground. He found himself missing the old wooden table, the brown walls, the honey yellow light, the smell of roasted coffee, the warmth of the air, and... someone else in that picture. He missed those clear eyes, the soft voice, the tender movements, he even missed the silence between him and that person filled out by the nice flows of music. And fortunately, it didn't take his heart so long to recognize who she was.

It's been a month since the dear owner of the small coffee shop left the town. People missed her so much and they were all praying the best things for their beloved girl. She had to leave for a big surgery overseas and it was said that she had to trade her life for it. If the surgery failed, they would never have any chance to see their strange but heart-warming girl again. They loved and pitied their poor girl, whose far-living fiancé had died in a plane crash this winter while on the way to bring her the twenty-sixth birthday gift, which was found later in his remaining luggage, something tiny in a glass pot.

Several days after the leaving of the coffee shop's owner, the hired lady who replaced her to take care of the shop noticed a man who came by everyday, all alone, always drinking coffee and mink flavored with cinnamon. He said he was the owner's friend. One day, he came in carrying a small glass pot with a green tiny thing inside, a four-leaf clover which was said to be the symbol of eternal love if found in winter. He asked the hired lady to place the pot by the window where he usually sat near by.

And like other people in this small town, he'd been praying with all his heart for the little lady to come back,

for his true love to come back...

A mother's love

2010-01-08T22:54:00.005+07:00

Of all the epic moments in the latest episode of my favorite drama, this scene moved me to tears not only once but almost every single time I watch it. Maybe because it makes me miss my Mom so badly...

Watching the reunion of mother and daughter, I can feel how much grief and pain Ji Wan's mom has put on her beats. No matter how harsh her words may sound, it's true that she still loves Ji Wan as a mother and the suddenly appearing of her daughter after almost 10 years with no connection utterly overwhelms her. In the end, she's a mother and Ji Wan must always be among the most precious treasures in her life.

The other day, a close friend of mine left a short note on her Facebook telling that her mom refused to pick her up at the airport at 11pm 'cos she said it was too late for her to go out, and my friend had to nag that she'd got too much luggage to manage all alone so that her mom would agree to go to the airport. My close friend, she used to be a target for my jealousy 'cos of her wealthy family as well as her freedom to go to almost everywhere she wants, but after reading her note, I realized that in some way, I may be the one who's got more. My Mom, she's just simply the one who never goes to bed before I get home and even if she's got sick, she'd rather let me sleep some more than wake me up to do something for her illness. And for that alone, I know how much I've been blessed for being her child.

A rainbow painter

2010-01-08T01:07:00.015+07:00

Of all things in this world, she loved to paint rainbow the most. A rainbow after the rain, under the magic of sunlight was like a bridge to a mysterious fairy-land, where a child in her soul had always dreamed of flying to, even just once in a lifetime. She believed that rainbow had magic, a powerful magic which could heal any wounds a human has to bear.

Today, again she began to paint her rainbow with red. It must have been the warmest, kindest color because it was the color of blood, the magical thing of life which flowed underneath the skins of any living creatures. She stroked her little brush into a long curve over the paper and was happy to see the first line of her rainbow appear. Then she decided to go on with purple, which she believed was the tenderest color of all because lavender, her most favorite flower, also bloomed in purple. She loved the soft, gentle fragrant of those flowers, like a whisper of a fairy; hence she supposed purple must have been for something soothing and sweet.

She continued with some shades of blue. Light blue, indigo-blue and dark-blue. The first one was for bright sky in summer, the second for a gloomy day and the third must have been picked out from a starry night sky. The colors of her rainbow were never mere colors, they were all connected with something else as if her rainbow was a collection of finest colors of finest things in this world.

There were only two colors left to complete the rainbow. Even though this was not the first time she'd painted a rainbow herself, she still felt as excited as ever, looking all over her work before going finish it. Five colors, five representatives of life, she felt thankful for her luck to be living in such a beautiful world with so many colors to paint. Orange must be very very sweet and pure, because it was the color of her favorite fruit. It was tasty, it helped cool down the summer, then orange must have been a nice color to put on, she thought. Under the red line, she stroked another long curve of the new color. Oh, only one line left. She was about to complete it, her lovely rainbow. "Green should be perfect" - she murmured. She was going to put the color of trees, of grass, of silent moss on land and of drifting seaweed under water on her rainbow. Green always was the tranquilest color on earth, she believed. Finally, she'd finished her rainbow. Again. A magic rainbow in an immense sky, where she would hang over some white clouds, some transparent water drops which were the remaining of the summer rain, maybe a fairy flying to her magic world and at one end of the rainbow, she wondered if it was possible to paint a wish there, so that the tiny fairy could pick it up and help her make the little wish come true.

Our lovely painter, there was only one wish she'd always got for the entire of her life: seeing a colorful rainbow with her own eyes.

Every day, like a worker bee she patiently painted a rainbow in her heart based on people's stories about this life's colors...

Before bed time

2010-01-07T02:38:00.001+07:00

I wrote a lot then deleted it all.

Well, maybe because of the drama tonight. Being loved and being hurt is somehow a nice experience to have but too painful to get through...

Sound of silence

2010-01-05T16:45:00.014+07:00

I loved you.

The full stop at the end of the sentence left her exhausted. Putting down the fountain pen on the old wooden table, eyes closed, she took a deep breath then looked over the letter once again.

I still remember the day when we first experienced the painful meaning of "separation". Don't you forget it? How we walked down in the chill of the continuous rain, hand in hand, both humming the melody of our favorite song, a song with no lyrics. I still remember your hand, wet but warm and soft, holding mine tightly as if it was a knot which could never be loosened between us. I wanted to hold on to it so badly that just thinking of letting it go for a while was enough to make my heart ache...

Yes, she still remembered it, the day he'd sent her off at the airport. Their city was covered with rain almost half a year and people are all used to the damp cold of the weather. The other half of the year was bright and sunny, which, of course, was loved and looked forward to by all of the city's citizens. They'd first met in the rainy half and she was glad that it'd happened in that season instead of the sunny one. In her city, there was a story that told couples who first met each other on a rainy day were destined to be together and never could be apart. Her innocent heart had truly believed in such romantic story and so it wasn't too hard to imagine how happy she'd been when her very first love had come to her in a chilly rain.

I thought we could be like that forever, side by side, hand in hand, smile after smile. I loved the days you drove me in the rain where we could share our raincoat and I could feel how warm it was to embrace you from the back, smelling you sweat and felt your gentle startle as I tightened my arms. You told me about your friends, how your first love looked like when you was five (She loved to wear pink dresses and white shoes. I was surprised to find out that we studied in the same kindergarten but I could hardly remember about that time), how you managed to play truant once in third year and so on. Just simple stories like our love. And maybe because it was so simple, I'd never imagine one day this love could hurt me so deeply.

She read again another part of the letter. The song kept playing again and again from the CD player. Their favorite song. She named it "the sound of silence" because she always felt like it was trying to tell her some story underneath such beautiful notes gracefully played by piano and violin. A sad story, perhaps. She loved to listen to the song on rainy days while looking at the rain drops smashing against the window in despair, they could never break through its glasses as well as she could never break through the shadow in her heart.

Do you still remember it, our song? I thought I was among the very few who like that kind of music, but you surprised me by showing your collection of the same artist and of all their works, we both liked the same song the most. You said it made you feel the loss of time so clearly, like a spring never stopped flowing down away the mountain. Hence, it reminded you not to waste a single day of your life and live it to the fullest because you couldn't take back what had been swept away in time flow. At that very moment, all of my senses told me that you were the one I'd been looking for, the missing piece which completed the puzzle of my life perfectly. Thinking of days and nights we could spend together listening to the song made my heart shiver with happiness. And more than anyone, you know how earnestly I prayed for it to come true.

Rain kept falling down outside the window. The violin part of the song was like a sharp wire bit by bit squeezing her heart. Memories kept flowing back to her mind and made it flooded. She'd never thought of another ending to their story other than a happy one. The day they said goodbye at the airport, he'd promised to wait for her, he'd even joked that she'd better pick a sunny day to return so that he could bring a huge bunch of lilies, her most favorite kind of flower, to welcome her back. She'd stroked her hands along every figure of his face, reminding herself never to forget it as well as the bright smile which had always lit up her rainy days. The last-minuted checking had been announced on the speakers, and she could have barely managed to turn her back and walk into the checking room. That day, she hadn't cried, as she'd strongly believed in a return as well as in his love.

Dear J,

How are you? I'm doing fine...

The salutation sounded fake but it was still far better than a grievance. She could hardly remember how she got through the funeral as well as days after that when people said she treated herself like a dead one, clinging to his picture. She was leaving this city again, maybe it was forever this time. Her family had almost finished the packing. They couldn't hide their happy faces when she agreed to move with them. She folded up the letter, put it in a pink envelop, wrote down his name on the receiver line. She held the envelop in both hands, gently stroking her fingers over his name then she stood up, slowly went to the fireplace and, after a short breath, she threw the letter into the burning fire.

Her mothered stepped into the room, carrying along something that looked like a little dress.

- Honey, I have just found this out in a corner of my wardrobe. You used to like this dress very much. Time flies by so fast, eh? I still remember how you always liked wearing pink dresses and white shoes in your kindergarten...

I want to go to Yokohama, seriously.

2010-01-03T05:09:00.002+07:00

It's not a very excellent drama, it has neither brilliant acting nor multi-layered story. But it's special. Strangely special. When love again is portrayed in its purest form, that alone can make you speechlessly stunned. Their love story is so simple yet blossomy that it's too perfect to be added up or cut down any details. Watching this series makes me want to go to Yokohama so badly. It seems to be a very nice place for a sightseeing, let alone its fame for epic love stories in dramas and literature.

Side note: Unlike other dramas in which the heroes usually make me go crazy due to fangirl syndrome, this series impresses me with its strangely but interestingly innocent heroine. I doubt there's any girl in this world who can be more straightforward than her, either in drama or real life. She recalls me to an old lesson of love someone taught me long ago, which appears to be quite simple yet, in fact, most difficult to learn and practice. It is: be honest.

Title: Tatta Hitotsu no Koi (Just One Love)

Episodes: 10 (thanks to which I could finish them all in one sitting)

Streaming: Tatta Hitotsu no Koi

Last word (for a story)

2010-01-02T00:33:00.004+07:00

My friend told me that my story is already perfect itself without the "untold part". I know it, but I meant to write that short part just for myself, or for the boy, actually. When listening to the old song by Secret Garden, I felt like somewhere in my mind, the boy wanted me to tell his story as well. He couldn't stand watching her waiting for him in vain like that as well as I couldn't stand not acknowledging his pain. So I began to type again, finishing the separate part in 2 hours.

- Did you think of this ending last night?

- No, I didn't. I just felt like writing and I started it. Just like last night, while I was typing the first sentences about the girl, I didn't known how it would end, either.

- I think just the first part is enough. You should let the readers guess the rest.

- I know. But I told you I felt like writing and I couldn't resist it. It was like I wrote another part of my diary rather than a story. When the boy died, it felt like parts of myself followed him as well. But then I felt relieved, totally relived. My mission is completed and I'm content.

This is how I finished the first day of my new year. Now it's time for me to rest.

I've got an awful Japanese exam awaiting me in 2 days while I'm still totally unprepared for it. Gosh! I should have killed myself first.

An untold part of a story

2010-01-01T22:52:00.008+07:00

"I miss her so bad, but it's too late for me to turn back now. From here I can see neither our green hill nor even a hint of the sky above. The trees blocks my eyes, and their thick canopies of leaves together with thousands of tall trunks make me feel like a bird in cage. Darkness is tightening me in its trap. I forget the time and my senses refuse to work. I don't know how many days have passed, nor remember when the last time I ate was. But I feel so clearly that my strength is leaving me, faster and faster every minute. My instinct tells me not to give up. It slaps my face, it calls my name, it does everything to keep me alive. I need to live. I must live to find my home, my real home, the place I've never been to. I must live to come back to our little town, to meet her again and take her along to the end of this world. I must see her again, I wanna be with her in that painting under our blue sky. I need to look into those eyes which capture the whole world in its purest form and my own world as well. She must be waiting for me. I cannot just break my promise like this. I must live. I have to live. Please, God, please let me live..."

The long howl of a wolf was like the music of the night, which stopped him from thinking. It was coming near, the painful song by the children of Mother Wild. For a moment, he felt glad because he wasn't completely alone after all. "I should need some rest" - he thought. As if fully understanding his wish, the night cradled him in its immense arms, swaying gently in the tuneless lullaby, and so slowly he felt into a peaceful sleep. In his dream, he found himself standing on their green hill, humming an old song in bright honey sunlight, waiting for her to come:

I remember a meadow one morning in May.
With a sky full of dreams that sailed in that day.
I was dancing through green waves of grass like the sea
For a moment in time I could feel I was free.
There are waves of forgiveness and waves of regret.
And the first waves of true love I'll never forget.
In the meadow that morning as I wandered alone
There were green waves of yearning for life
Still unknown.

Take me home to the meadow that cradles my heart
Where the waves reach as far as you can see.
Take me home to the meadow we've been too long apart,
I can still hear you calling for me.
Take me home to the meadow that cradles my heart
Where the waves reach as far as you can see.
Take me home to the meadow weve been too long apart,
I can still hear you calling for me.

What I'd give to remember that heavenly state
Just a moment in time all mine to create.
As I'm taking my last breath I know what I'll see
There'll be green waves forever out there waiting for me.
Take me home to the meadow that cradles my heart
Where the waves reach as far as you can see.
Take me home to the meadow we've been too long apart,
I can still hear you calling for me.

The children of Mother Wild were going on their night hunt. And leaning against a huge tree foot, they found a human smiling softly in his sleep...

---------------------

Original song: "Greenwaves" by Secret Garden

There's no such place

2010-01-01T01:40:00.029+07:00

She climbed up the hill, standing on its top and looked up to the vast blue sky...

Six years ago, he left. Without a word. She woke up quite early that morning, prepared a huge breakfast for two, humming a song whose name she didn't even know. He'd asked her to wait for him on that green hill, the place which had witnessed all the children in this town grow up, one by one, generation after generation. There they first met when she was playing hide and seek with her classmates, and he happened to rescue her out of a bush where she was being frozen seeing a snake approaching her so near. He yanked her out of danger in silence, and left her stunned in silence. For the very first time of her life, she knew what it was to be scared to death.

Covered with the deep green of grass, the hill standing there alone, far at the south end of the town. From its top looking far way down, you could see a small village surrounded by paddle fields which seemed to change colors every season. That village was a mystery to all the children because they never knew its name nor where it was. With their vivid imagination, the children made up all sorts of stories about the mysterious place which was hidden behind the thick curtain of fog from time to time. Unlike those paddle fields, their hill's color almost never changed. It just faded a little in winter, from dark to gray-green. "Why do you like this place so much?" - she once asked him. "Because of its green" - he replied. "You like green?" - she continued. "Not really. Because the hill never changes its green, like you never change your transparent eyes." - he answered, ignoring her blushes.

He said he had something to tell her that morning, something very important. That made her wonder a lot because he was utterly not the expressive type with words. He would prefer actions. After being rescued in those younger days, she met him more often at the hill. Actually he'd come there lots of times before the incident but never been noticed by her or her friends. They'd been mere strangers. She noticed that he always came to the hill alone, with neither friends nor pet, sitting hidden from view behind a bush and looking down to the small village far away. He could sit like that for hours. One day, summoning up all of her courage, she came sit beside him without saying a words. He just gave her a glance before turning back to where he was looking, and that was how they became friends. Because there were very few sounds and words exchanged in their friendship over years, she had no idea what could be so important that he had to bring himself to tell her. However strange it felt, she could just hold back all of her curiosity and wait for the time to come.

- Do you know what they have over there, that village? - asked he.

- I've got no idea. People say it's impossible to reach there.

- Why? Have they tried?

- I don't know. They just told me some stories.

- I heard all of them. But I wonder if they were true. I just want to see them with my own eyes.

- How come? You've never been out of this town.

- Who knows? Maybe I'll be the first to reach that place. Will you go with me then?

She shrugged. It was the longest conversation they ever had. She thought he was only joking because nobody in town even knew the way to that village. Some said it was just as mediocre as any other villages in the world. Others supposed it was a blessed place with the finest land on earth. Actually, she didn't really mind any of them. She'd been born in this town and she'd been always pretty sure that this was also where her grave was built. And during that period, she had no plan to go any further than the hill's end. During that period, her major and only plan was staying by his side.

That morning, she packed all the sandwiches and milk in a small basket, put on her favorite sky-blue hat and in her simple yet lovely flower-patterned dress, she began her way up the hill. He hadn't come yet. She sat on the silk-soft green grass, gently put down the basket, stretching out a little, she enjoyed herself the beautiful sky as well as the soft morning breezes while waiting for him. She looked like a lovely bunch of wild flowers arising upon the green of the hill, waving their little petals under the clear blue sky where several white cloudlets hanging here and there, all of which could be painted into a heartbreakingly beautiful picture. In that picture, our little girl remained waiting hour after hour. She didn't know that from that day, there would be only her left in the picture of the hill. Without him.

- Please come. I'll be waiting. - he said in earnestness.

His words kept playing in her mind and they retained her on the hill until the sun hid itself behind the mysterious village. He'd never broken his promises and hence, she kept assuring herself that he must have been late for some unexpected reasons. But that time, he was late for the rest of her life.

She got home when night spread out its black curtain over the little town. Her basket remained untouched but she didn't feel a tiny bit hungry. That he didn't show up left behind hundreds of theories as well as unanswered questions in her mind and they also filled up her stomach. What was he doing? Where was he now? What had happened to him? Why didn't he come? Why didn't he keep his promise? She felt a little bit angry. Who else wouldn't get mad when she was stood up? But more than that, she felt anxious. She knew he would never break a single promise once he'd made it. "There must be something bad happening" - her premonition whispered. It was too late for her to run out to his home and so she managed to get through the rest of the night with tons of questions and no sleep.

Next morning, the old postman brought her a letter with his name on the envelope. She tried her best to stay even when receiving the letter from the postman's hand, but it couldn't shove away the bad feelings strongly growing up in her heart. When the postman walked away, she slowly opened the little green envelope in tremble.

"Dear my little Sarah,

Please forgive me.

I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye to you as I had planned to.

I must go to that village because it's where I'm from, or so my adopting father told me years ago. I want to see the place I was born, no matter it is a cursed or blessed land on earth.

Goodbye, Sarah.

P/S: Yesterday you were as beautiful as the finest painting I ever saw. I was so afraid of seeing you cry in that picture. Your eyes, their beauty, can I ever see them again when I'm back?"

And so he left. In silence.

"Can I ever see them again when I'm back?" - Did that mean she would meet him again? That he wasn't leaving forever? That they could climb up the hill together again? That she could sit by his side in silence again? She found herself again lost in a mess of questions.

It's been years and the hill was still as green as ever. She looked out to the line where her sky met up with the land far way, wondering where he could be now. The village was still as silent as a sleeping fairy covered in smoke. Its surrounding paddle fields are changing their color into pale yellow this season. Nothing had changed in the mysterious stories about the far village, but she had no idea if he could possibly become a tiny dot somewhere in the middle of that sight. However, at least she knew that still they were sharing the same sky and the village as well as the hill would never disappear from this world like he did.

Under the immense blue sky, she found herself murmuring a foolish question: "Down there does he ever look up to this hill to find where I am?"

-----------------
"There's no such place" - a song by Augie March of which I owed a friend for her brilliant recommendation.

On the end line

2009-12-31T21:38:00.002+07:00

What to write at the end of a year? This question has smoldered in my mind for the whole day. I didn't have many good memories to write about like others. I tried my best to forget as much as I could about what happened to me during this freaky year and while I'm enjoying myself for the effort, I don't wanna soil my beloved room with any of that dirt.

This time last year, I was neither home nor at my usual place. In my dim memory, I still remember how hurt and painful I felt while sitting in a warm little room, a peaceful corner which is a huge pride of its owner, tears wanting to burst out but they couldn't. Mentally and physically, I was deadly sick. Thinking over it, I'm surprised at how I managed to live through it all and come back to this endearing life. I know this is not an appropriate time to talk about death (but I wonder when should be) but if you know how badly I wanted to leave this world, you'll understand how amazed I am when looking back, seeing how far I've gone to get to this point, even talking about love in this room post after post. When I'm writing down these words, a strange feeling keeps fluttering all over my body. I don't know what it really is, maybe because I, in some way, am recalling what has been long buried and when it comes to mind again, I feel overwhelmed.

I had a horrible beginning and all I feel now is a deep gratitude towards God (or any powerful high spirits above) for letting me enjoy a peaceful ending. I cried a lot, I screamed (in my heart) a lot, I cursed this life a lot, I hated people a lot, I wanted to end my life in a bloody way... but now, in my mind there is only one voice softly whispering: "let's go home, dear."

Let's go home and start it all again, your precious life.

This year is over.

Random thought

2009-12-31T02:08:00.005+07:00

The (probable) fact is:

- I'm gonna study Environmental Management (Master)
- Next to it will be Environmental Economics (PhD)
- It will takes me at least 5 to 6 years in Japan
- I don't really like the country but thanks to Mom I can have a chance to study in a prestigious school where accepted people are far far more hardworking than I am

While...

- I want to study Communications in US as well (from Mater to PhD)
- But Mom said I can't become a professor teaching it in my country because there's no school for me to do my job
- And it's a thousand times harder to be accepted into a good school with my poor result without any help or endorsement

And:

- It's already pointed out what I can and should do
- But I don't know where this feeling of regret comes from
- So here I'm babbling again

The end.

A gift of love

2009-12-30T19:03:00.006+07:00

I really love the song and the drama and I'm content with my own combination of the two of them, which took me a white night. Rather than using words, I'm glad to find a new way to record moments.

After finishing this video, I realized that in none of the cut scenes I used were there any dialogues between the two characters. I just love the way love exposing itself in silence. Let's let the song sing for them, and that's what I did.

I don't really remember how I found this song out of thousand pieces of music on the Internet but I truly thank God for letting me enjoy such a nice melody where I feel like love is told by the softest breezes of winter.

Cool Whispers
by Ike Yoshihiro

Cool whispers drift from the north on the night
Yet you warm my heart for we hold the light
The land must fade from green into white
Hush my heart this love is a fire
This love will burn like a fire

Lie side by side in the soft winter white
Hold me close to you as we brace for flight
In time I pray they’ll see what we feel
Gentle love this pain won’t retire
This love must burn like a fire

Close your eyes and dream what I see,
peace for a moment the future unclear
Hand by hand as we stand on the wire,
the ending so near our start close behind
Light bends through trees, leaves spiral and wind
We’re far from here and frozen in time

Cool whispers drift from the north on the night
Yet you warm my heart for we hold the light
The land must fade from green into white
Hush my heart this love is a fire
This love will burn like a fire

Cool whispers
Yet you warm my heart for we hold the light
This love will burn like a fire
Hold me close to you as we brace for flight

A moment of love

2009-12-28T20:27:00.007+07:00

Of all I've watched about my favorite drama, Will It Snow For Christmas, with a lot of sweet moments together with tragic clichés, don't know why I've always felt so thrilled each time replaying this scene:

This is when Ji Wan was still pretending not to recognize Kang Jin, after eight years of separation due to a tragic accident which killed her beloved brother in his attempt to help Ji Wan find Kang Jin's treasured pendant under the cold river. Overwhelmed with grief and guilt, Ji Wang ran away from home and disappeared from Kang Jin's world all of a sudden. Eight years later, when fate led their paths to cross again, no matter how vivid and clear their memories about each other were, Ji Wan tried her best to the deny the truth of Kang Jin's identity. Either for her or for Kang Jin's sake, she kept pushing him away, claiming not to know who he was even though just hearing his name was enough to make her body tremble, and suffocate her heart. But still, stubbornly and hurtfully, her answer always was "I don't know" when asked "Do you know who I am?" by Kang Jin. We, however, all know that in their hearts, the right answer was already done, but buried deep down under a lot of complex and messy emotions.

To me, this very short moment, which on the surface appeared not to be very important or emotion-packed, was when Ji Wan, in some way, confessed her recognition of her childhood Kang Jin for the very first time. As she was trying to hide the scratches on her hand from Kang Jin's eyes, my mind asked on the spot "Why does she have to do that?". It was totally not something so serious to hide. Would anybody else mind some scratches that much? And my answer is: because it was Kang Jin who was standing there, HER Kang Jin, not anybody else with the same name, she knew that he would mind. She knew that only her Kang Jin would get mad seeing her acting foolishly trying to save a man who had left her alone in an engagement ceremony. Yes, she knew it. Because in her heart, she knew this simply was her "Kang Jin-oppa".

And then, only Kang Jin, in his turn, could be the one who realized what Ji Wan was hiding and pull it out of the dark in fury. The moment he grasped her arm and stared at her wound, I felt an overflow mixed of love, anger, frustration and pity bursting out from his eyes as well as repressed in his strong grasp. Because he knew it was HIS Ji Wan, the foolish, stubborn yet adorable girl whose name he had screamed out loud in the past. This Ji Wan, who liked to interfere with people's business, she'd rather hurt herself than see others getting hurt. Yes, this is the Ji Wan whom he has been searching through the last eight years. How come he didn't mind those scratches she bore for the sake of a worthless person? How come he didn't get mad at her stupidity? This very moment touched me so deep as in Kang Jin's eyes, I found no jealousy, instead I could feel how much his heart ached seeing the one he loved and treasured get hurt, mentally and physically.

Love appears in many forms. Some are colorful and bright. Some hides under a shadow. Some are intense. Some are just as gentle and soft as spring water. Some go with kisses and embraces. Some glow in eyes meeting each other. I just love the way Kang Jin loves Ji Wan, like a long piece of music with all the rise and fall of its notes, he's always there trying to protect her against any storms and get her sunlight afterward. The ways he cradles her face, strokes her hair, looks at her in the eyes, embraces her in comfort or against danger... in silence they speak a thousand words. All of that, simply the way love should be.

" I dreamed a dream. In that dream, I met Ji-wan. In the dream, I promised Ji-wan never to let her go again. That I wouldn’t be foolish like before, in our Sancheong days."

Don't let go of your dream, Kang Jin. Don't let Ji Wan cry again...

Me and friends

2009-12-26T23:34:00.004+07:00

1. Close friends

I've got very very few of them. I call them "close" which means: they are people who can see through me, calling out both the good and evil sides of me,

My very first close friend was a beautiful, charming (and rich, like an ideal chaebol girl in K-drama) girl from junior high school. She's one of the most mature, cleverest with such insightful thoughts I've ever met of my age. No wonder she is the first and also the only one who can understand me the most to date. Our personalities are almost completely different, so it kinda amazes me thinking over how we could tolerate each other through all those years, especially when we all knew that both of us belonged to the super stubborn and pig-headed kind of girls. Since she went abroad for her study (to succeed her family's business), we haven't been in touch regularly. You may say it's me who avoids her rather than it's geographical distance to blame. Don't ask me the reason, it may sounds stupid to some but to those who know what kind of person I am, they will not wonder so much about this. However, no matter what happens and however much we may change in course of time, I know that forever she's a friend that I never can forget for my entire life.

The second one I wanna mention here is another girl from high school. She's also pretty and very smart (in many ways, except for the matter of foreign languages). If the first one mentioned above is the one who can understand me best, this second is someone who had to tolerate me the most, over last eight years, I suppose. Maybe it's just my super luck to find her, an extremely out-going personality so that she could easily forgive and forget all of my madness from time to time. She's the one who taught me lots about life, I mean "normal life" - literally. I don't know if it's due to the fact that I was born in autumn, people tend to look at me (and I also get it myself) as a girl-with-her-mind-in-the-clouds. That's why to some ordinary matters of life, I appear to be an strangely ignorant person, much that she had no choice other than holding back her laughter and teaching me how to deal with such things.

The third one, a girl again. But actually she's much younger than me. She not as pretty as the other two but charming and has her charisma. I bet many must feel jealous at her attractiveness. If you wanna find someone who can be crazier, more impulsive, moodier than me, it's her. But she's got an admirable talent for language and imagination. At the age of fifteen, she already had a short story which was spread over hundreds of local online forums and personal blogs. But above all of that, to me she's like a guardian angel. A true angel in its beautiful meaning. She always appeared in time when I was at my lowest stage or in the very worst circumstances of my early life. She gave me her hands, raising me up, comforting me then disappeared again, back to her non-stop journeys (she travels a lot). But as told you earlier, because she's not less crazy than me, we fought a lot over many tiny things. However, we both know where to stop before things get out of hands and in our heart, we see each other as someone who cannot be traded for just nonsensical stuff, thus, we know what it is to reconcile and treasure one another after all.

The forth, and also the final for today, is a boy. The only boy who can accept me as who I am, an ugly, weird, hot-tempered, arrogant, straight-forward girl, and a cold-minded friend who can throw hash words at him any time if she's mad or when he acts foolishly over something. The best guy I've ever met (even a thousand times better than my ex) but also the guy I never can LOVE as a girl does a boy. Yes, it's kind of a mysterious question for which I can't find an appropriate answer yet. He's just someone who leaves me messages of comfort everytime I'm in bad mood, knowing that I never answer them. He listens to my petty stories hour after hour until my phone account is out of balance. He drives me along the dark, flooded streets in the heavy rain of a summer night to make sure I'm home safe and sound. He collects pictures of my Mom, who is also his teacher, in their field trip to send me via Y!M because he knows that I would love to see them. He's someone about whom another close friend of mine once said: "Whatever may come, I know he'll never leave you alone."

2. Buddies

I call them buddies because they're friends who I can share some moments but not those who can be by my side at critical times. I've got quite a lot of them since my enrollment to the university and through my jobs as well. They're all nice, they left me something to remember, but I know when time passes by, I may fade away in their memories and vice versa.

3. Online friends

Well, it's kinda strange that some of my best friends come from the Internet world, where people find it hard to build up any long-term relationships. I got my first online friends in high school time and now they're still my special friends. It's been almost eight years, I think. Later I also made some more online buddies but don't know why they couldn't become as close as the first ones did to me. Perhaps it was because of me. I changed, indeed. I closed down my world and was afraid to deal with anyone/anything wholeheartedly. I didn't proactively approach anyone for years like I used to, and consequently, my inner world became smaller and smaller until one day it was too narrow to accept anything new.

These days, suddenly I felt an urge to reach out to the world again. It's like how Kang Suk felt when he could resume his love with Dan Ah (in Family's Honour), that "I feel like can breath again, can live properly again". This morning, when an older sister, who I first met in a forum and we felt in loves as sisters, asked me if it's fun to be a "fangirl", I answered without any second of hesitation "It is. I feel like I'm living again." She said if we had a chance to meet again, she would hug me ten times for what I said today which many others have longed to hear from me for so long.

4. Disconnected relationships

I'm not talking about those I hate because I would never mind giving any room in my mind and any minute of my time thinking about them. Instead, I'm gonna write about why I dropped some should-have-been-good relationships.

To me, people in such relationships are all good, at least they're as fine as ordinary buddies to whom I wanna give some of my thought. But for some reasons, I felt unable to bring myself to handle all of them. Our connections were like loose strings on which I had to spend time and effort to keep them... as loose as ever. That made me tired, my mind tired and my body also tired. I totally understand they all were nice and nothing wrong if they wanted to deliver me some sweet words, "bubble care" but like I said, maybe I'm a crazy, weird and greedy creature who doesn't know what it is to be content, I just felt like needing some gentle touches, some radiant smiles, some vivid voices, some body warmth, some more actions of care so that I know they were real, our relationships were real. Then, once things went off my limits, I ran away. And that's how I gave up, cowardly and irresponsibly. From time to time, I do wonder: is there anything wrong with me?

Me and family

2009-12-26T23:32:00.000+07:00

1. Brother
2. Mom
3. Dad
4. Grandfather (dad's side)
5. How I was raised

(edit later)

Me and dreams

2009-12-26T23:30:00.007+07:00

1. What I dreamed of

When I had to make a choice of which university I should enroll, I chose my current one 'cos I dreamed of being an expert of Japanese so that I could go (back) to Japan someday. I loved Japanese comics, some of which were so brilliant that they did effect my view of life back then.

I wanted to become a successful business woman so that I could earn lots of money as well as fame. I wanted to be recognized, to be honored. It was just a dream, I told you.

I wanted to built a gorgeous house for my family, and in order to do that, I knew I must study hard to earn enough money. It wasn't just a dream, I was a promise which I don't know if I can keep.

2. What I'm dreaming of

I don't know if it still can be called a dream once you can see a clear way to achieve it. So, I'm just gonna count what I've still got no idea how and what to do as "dreams".

I'm dreaming of the day when there's someone who can wake my heart up from death. I don't hate people for what I've got through, just simply I don't and can't feel anything after which. There were some trying to act cool to me, but all I could do was... running away from them, and now I still am. Is this bad, I mean my present condition?

I still want to make the dream of that gorgeous house come true but it seems so hard for me at the moment, especially as I haven't got much vision of where life will lead me in several years to come.

I want to become an excellent translator. It's far more difficult than people think it is. Being good at a foreign language doesn't mean you can be a good translator. It takes you tons of study and years of life experience. I wish for a day when my translation of a foreign literary work appears on the bookshelves of local bookstores, and my name can be found under the book title as its main translator. I don't know why I love this job so much though it doesn't earn me much. No translator can be rich without another job.

3. What I did to my dreams

To some, I abandoned completely. The business woman, for instance. After all I've got through in my fucking university (which is considered as one of the best domestic schools), I'm now pretty determined to become a professor like my Mom, by which I can help reduce the increasing number of crappy, heartless and irresponsible teachers in this country. One more reason for the abandonment is that after more than a year working in that famous company, I realized business environment is not where I can fit myself in. I worked hard and earned some recognition but all the time I felt like an actor on stage, putting on just fake appearance. I got almost no friends there and every work day left me exhausted.

To some, I hardly manage to carry on. Going to Japan is among them. To tell the truth, I'm really sick of the language but an inner voice tells me not to give up since I've been going this far. Mom is going to to find me a school in Japan next year and she's hoping that I can be accepted to her old school, a prestigious one. Do I owe you for any huge debts in my past life, Japanese?

4. What I'm doing to realize my dreams

I'm still struggling with my resistance to Japanese. If it's not for the sake of my further study and the dream of becoming a professor, I would kill anyone who dares to spill a single Japanese word in front of me. I like my Japanese name, which means "a beautiful flower" and sounds similar to my real name, I like Japanese manga and anime, I like Japanese arts but they're not enough to serve as a motivation in this situation, where I find myself totally lack the so-called "passion".

I'm going to study hard for the final graduation exams so that I can make up a little for the poor academic result at school over 4 years. I will follow anything my parents tell me to do and let them show me a way. I've been really really tired during the nightmare so I think moving on on a good path is somehow a good way to rest.

I'm gonna be a good child again from now on.

Me and life

2009-12-26T23:27:00.011+07:00

1. Who I am

I was born in fall which is said to be the season of poetry. I really like this season and thus, am very proud of my month of birth. But it's kinda strange that no matter how I favor September as well as its yellow-turns-red leaves and cool breezes, summer appears to be the most lucky season of the year for me. I don't hate winter, the time that teaches me the meaning of warmth and hugs. It also allows me to show off my huge collection of winter coats which helps change my colors every single day. "You look like a colorful ice-cream" - said a classmate when I was in junior high school. However, winter, with its cold and rough weather, plays as the toughest time of a year for me. The worst things I've encountered in my life so far all happened on winter background. If a friend is close enough, he/she never cares to leave me any greetings on Christmas 'cos they know it's the time I hate the most of the year. 10 years in a row, this year included, Christmas was such a nightmare to me, as if I'd been cast under a cruel spell against the season. Since the death of my grandfather (dad's side), spring is no long special to me. I even want it to pass faster so that I can go back to my daily routine in summer. This is how I enjoy a year.

Parents, close friends and strangers, they all tend to use one word to describe me: WEIRD. They find it hard to understand what's going on in my mind, and sometimes frustration is the only thing they can get as my reactions go against all of their predictions. But also, there's one thing on which they all agree and thanks to which I'm not abandoned despite my weirdness, that is: I always am the one in front of whom they can put their hearts on their sleeves without being afraid of any hurt.

2. How I lived

For the first 19 years of my life, I was a good child to my family. I made them so proud that they could boast about their daughter anytime, anywhere. I was all new to the outer world, and hence, to me it was beautiful and fantastic. I could easily trust people and believed that my kindness would be repaid with kindness. My heart was wide open (although my behaviors appeared to be not) and I did everything with 100% enthusiasm. My friend said I was so innocent back then, yet most beautiful.

For the next 3 years, after I first experienced what it was to be heart-broken and betrayed, I began my long journey to see this world more clearly. Let alone I let my study drop off shamefully, I was a true rebel against my family. I got a job in a famous company which is a dream place for many people. I worked like a professional and never in my life, I'd had to smile that much. Yah, I say "had to" because it wasn't what I "wanted to". My friend, again, said "You seem to smile a lot more and easy-going towards people, but your heart is closed". It was the darkest time in my life so far, the worst and longest nightmare I've ever had.

3. How I want to live

Now, as the nightmare is gone, I wanna be back to my true self. It may not be so good and professional-look, but it's simply who I am.

To me, a day would be perfect if I wake up after a sound sleep, do some house chores, read books, listen to music, cook delicious meals, write several words about something I like, learn foreign languages, meet a nice friend and on that day, there shouldn't be so much sound.

I don't have many friends and I don't want to, either. I can't handle so many relationships at the same time even though I tried hard. However, on the other hand, I want to open my heart again, to let people in and let them decide to stay with me or not. It feels better than to live like a moving creature with a dead heart, I think.

4. How I'm gonna live

The idea "how I'm going to live" is not always the same as "how I want to live", but for once, I'm wanting them to be one.

I'm going back home soon, to start all over again. Maybe in one year, I'll be leaving it again but I believe it'll be different this time. Because it's the journey that everyone earnestly wants me to take so that they can see a bright me back.

Overwhelmed with emotions...

2009-12-22T00:17:00.004+07:00

...after watching 6 eps of my favorite drama in a sitting.

What is love about?

What is fear about?

What is fighting about?

He's strong. He's smart. He's determined. He'd never lost to anyone. But he lost her. And he got hurt. So badly. He moved on, he succeeded but it feels like there always is hole unable to be filled in his heart. Until one day, he found her. Again.

She appeared to be strong, spunky, upbeat girl yet still had a fragile heart. She's not smart. But she's also determined. Determined enough to run away from home after her brother's death, blaming herself for causing it, torturing her heart over years. Guilt and fear have filled up her life. She hid herself in a dark, stuffy room as if she also closed herself against the world. She had lived that life for eight years. Until one day, she met him. Again.

If it was her who gave him the warmth of innocent love in the past, now it is him who gives her light of forgiving love to bring her back to life. Cradling her in his arms, installing a window to her room, protecting her against danger with his own life... step by step, he pulls her out of the nut-shell in her heart, teaching her forgiveness and at the same time, finding the answers for so many questions having been left out since their broken past.

People say, love is a kind of magnet which pulls two persons irresistibly close together. That's how fate led them back to one another. "To find each other again. To forgive again. And to love again." But because happiness is something so ultimate and treasured, they must fight hard, experiencing the final yet most hurtful stage of pain before they can find it.

Will it snow for Christmas?

I'm just praying for the purest white snowflakes to land on their smiles this Christmas and then echoing in their hearts, we hear "spring is coming".

Messy 1

2009-12-20T02:47:00.000+07:00

I don't really know why I got mad like that.

Jealous?

Sad?

Losing?

I don't know...